NASA EXPANDS SPACE STATION! [WHOOPEE.]

Astronauts just finished adding the second section to the International Space Station this week. I can already sense the international excitement. As I held my breath, I witnessed the addition on CNN, along with three other people around the world, who were being forced to watch. Why is this thing up there? I mean, there better be a damn good reason to be spending billions of dollars to have this giant phallic Christmas ornament floating above our heads. NASA says it is for better experimentation on humans and microbes and board games or some shit. Why not build it for REAL tests? Like investigate whether or not light beer matters if you are weightless? Do midgets embody the same physics when you toss them? Can you spill some on the ground for your homies, or are they already there with you? Do children listen better with the threat of implosion as a punishment option? Are space toilet seats really, really goddamn cold? These questions are so important they must be answered now! Whew! The mysteries of the universe are only now beginning to be uncovered. So put another section up there! And another! Can’t you sense the awe and thrill of it all? I fucking can’t.