admin
22 December 2023
I’m a sensible woman. Both of my feet are planted (literally) very firmly on the ground. My only deviation comes in the form of a wicked little fantasy that’s been brewing in my head for years. It’s the dream of my perfect life; my destiny; my Xanadu. The picture painted in my head involves five key elements: a ‘50s-style stucco ranch house, a gravel yard, a gazebo, a decorative mini-wooden windmill, and a certain quirky little man known as the Sicillian from The Princess Bride. So last week, after a lonely night of BBQ and Cosby Show reruns, I decided to do something to end my terrible longing-- I wrote my soulmate a letter of proposition:
Dear short man who plays the Sicillian in The Princess Bride,
For so long I have admired you from afar. My intense study of your every move has inspired me to come to some undeniable truths: you ought to become my husband and we should live in wedded bliss, never leaving the other’s side for forever and a day. Perhaps right now you are throwing your stubby arms up in the air to ask, "Why?" Well, darling, my reasons are infinite. But here are a few which will surely guide you to my arms. First of all, you possess a number of characteristics I find irresistible. I adore an overbite, and yours is the envy of freaks far and near. Furthermore, it gives you a lisp that drives me mad with desire. How many nights have I imagined your whispered words of passion: "Kish me again, fphatty, you thexthy thing!" All the while my plump fingers would dance through the tangle of curls that grace your shiny, bald head. It has already been proven that your nimble, awkward little body can pull off the all-important tights-with-vest-and-puffy-blouse garb I prefer my man to wear around the house. Your physique is ideal; proportioned so that you may snuggle just so into my generous frame for an all-night bear-hug-and-spooning-fest. I long to see the moonlight bounce off of your clammy skin as you sleep. Also, during the day, I could pop you into a backpack and carry you everywhere. I love you! I love you! l love you! My dreamboat; my Mr. Short Sicillian Guy From The Princess Bride! The fact that I don’t know or care what your birth name is is further testament that we are meant to be together. I await your reply.
Love,
fphatty
Dear short man who plays the Sicillian in The Princess Bride,
For so long I have admired you from afar. My intense study of your every move has inspired me to come to some undeniable truths: you ought to become my husband and we should live in wedded bliss, never leaving the other’s side for forever and a day. Perhaps right now you are throwing your stubby arms up in the air to ask, "Why?" Well, darling, my reasons are infinite. But here are a few which will surely guide you to my arms. First of all, you possess a number of characteristics I find irresistible. I adore an overbite, and yours is the envy of freaks far and near. Furthermore, it gives you a lisp that drives me mad with desire. How many nights have I imagined your whispered words of passion: "Kish me again, fphatty, you thexthy thing!" All the while my plump fingers would dance through the tangle of curls that grace your shiny, bald head. It has already been proven that your nimble, awkward little body can pull off the all-important tights-with-vest-and-puffy-blouse garb I prefer my man to wear around the house. Your physique is ideal; proportioned so that you may snuggle just so into my generous frame for an all-night bear-hug-and-spooning-fest. I long to see the moonlight bounce off of your clammy skin as you sleep. Also, during the day, I could pop you into a backpack and carry you everywhere. I love you! I love you! l love you! My dreamboat; my Mr. Short Sicillian Guy From The Princess Bride! The fact that I don’t know or care what your birth name is is further testament that we are meant to be together. I await your reply.
Love,
fphatty
artid
485
Old Image
3_2_wallace.swf
issue
vol 3 - issue 02 (oct 2000)
section
stories