THE FOLLOWING ARE VERY FUNNY PEOPLE:

1. WEDDING DJs: Wake up. Drink. Load the van. Drink. Play three hours of crappy pop music. Drink. Hit on a bridesmaid. Drink. Such is the life of a wedding banquet DJ. It’s not the easiest profession in the world. To be a wedding banquet DJ means to have no life goals, dreams, or ambitions. It means living the life of the eternal bachelor. It means taking immense pride in owning and voluntarily playing records by Huey Lewis, Robert Palmer, and the like. It means introducing something as stupid as “The Chicken Dance” with a straight face, and accepting that doing so will forever eliminate any chance of getting laid. And, typically, it requires a bad haircut and/or teal suit with shoulder pads.
2. PHYS ED TEACHERS: With the exception of my elementary school gym teacher (a former Chicago Bear, I shit you not), phys ed instructors are weirdos. They may call themselves “coaches,” but don’t let that fool you. “Coach” is just slanguage for “pedophile.” Physical education teachers are responsible for slimming down our pudgy children, for allowing them a chance to experience the pleasures of proper respiratory circulation. But judging by the way they monitor the post-class shower sessions, you’d think they were responsible for something else. Call me crazy, but it takes a strange breed of man to wander around a dark, damp room of wet, naked children.
3. SNACKY OLIVERSON: You know, the fruit paste skin care guy? He has really long dreadlocks. To his ass, long. And he looks starved. Or on heroin. His life is dedicated to making fruit pastes you can smear all over yourself, to help your complexion. And his name is Snacky. Oliverson. He’s a fruit loop.