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22 December 2023
WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month frank wrote to the muffin men at KRUSTEAZ!
Dear Muffin Men,
I just wanted to take this opportunity to convey my absolute adoration for your wonderful, flaky muffins. Never in my life have I tasted such a rich, buttery flavor in a product that claims to be fat-free. Although I do not claim to buy your delectable confections every week, I do confess to eating them in large quantities on a monthly basis. I am a large woman whose weight falls somewhere in the neighborhood of 500+ pounds. Sometimes, after a rigorous day of accounting, I come home, bake up nine boxes of muffins and gorge myself until I pass out. One time I actually ruptured my colon while unconscious (I ate all 99 servings on that one!). I digress. The reason I am writing is because your product has brought great misfortune upon me. You see, I was having difficulty getting my co-workers to try your muffins. One day, after eating a king-sized bucket of hot wings, I found myself unable to eat the muffin I brought along for dessert. I went to a co-worker and told him, “You must eat my Krusteaz muffin–- it’s the tastiest muffin you will ever eat!” Much to my surprise, he vomited on my large, distended gut, then ran away screaming. I repeated my statement to several other gentlemen I work with and they all responded in a similar manner. I wrung my hands in the air and cried, “Will no man ever eat my Krusteaz muffin?” A creepy man from accounts payable finally agreed to my offer, but insisted that he at least take me out to dinner first. I was puzzled. What could have elicited such an unusual response? That’s when I realized I had been mispronouncing the name of your fine company. I was saying “Krusty-ass” instead of “Krust-ease,” thus making it sound as if I were lewdly soliciting oral sex from my fellow associates. Now, when I go into work, people call me vile names like “Muffin Whore” or “Snack Slut.” I cry myself to sleep every night. Here’s where you can help. I was hoping that perhaps you could send me a case of muffins to “eaz” my pain and suffering. I figure it’s the least you could do after using such an easily mispronounced muffin moniker.
Sincerely,
francine putzerelli
PS: Please send Wild Blueberry flavor!
DO YOU KNOW A PERSON OR COMPANY THAT YOU THINK FRANK SHOULD WRITE TO? IF SO, EMAIL HIM AT FRANK@TLCHICKEN.COM
This month frank wrote to the muffin men at KRUSTEAZ!
Dear Muffin Men,
I just wanted to take this opportunity to convey my absolute adoration for your wonderful, flaky muffins. Never in my life have I tasted such a rich, buttery flavor in a product that claims to be fat-free. Although I do not claim to buy your delectable confections every week, I do confess to eating them in large quantities on a monthly basis. I am a large woman whose weight falls somewhere in the neighborhood of 500+ pounds. Sometimes, after a rigorous day of accounting, I come home, bake up nine boxes of muffins and gorge myself until I pass out. One time I actually ruptured my colon while unconscious (I ate all 99 servings on that one!). I digress. The reason I am writing is because your product has brought great misfortune upon me. You see, I was having difficulty getting my co-workers to try your muffins. One day, after eating a king-sized bucket of hot wings, I found myself unable to eat the muffin I brought along for dessert. I went to a co-worker and told him, “You must eat my Krusteaz muffin–- it’s the tastiest muffin you will ever eat!” Much to my surprise, he vomited on my large, distended gut, then ran away screaming. I repeated my statement to several other gentlemen I work with and they all responded in a similar manner. I wrung my hands in the air and cried, “Will no man ever eat my Krusteaz muffin?” A creepy man from accounts payable finally agreed to my offer, but insisted that he at least take me out to dinner first. I was puzzled. What could have elicited such an unusual response? That’s when I realized I had been mispronouncing the name of your fine company. I was saying “Krusty-ass” instead of “Krust-ease,” thus making it sound as if I were lewdly soliciting oral sex from my fellow associates. Now, when I go into work, people call me vile names like “Muffin Whore” or “Snack Slut.” I cry myself to sleep every night. Here’s where you can help. I was hoping that perhaps you could send me a case of muffins to “eaz” my pain and suffering. I figure it’s the least you could do after using such an easily mispronounced muffin moniker.
Sincerely,
francine putzerelli
PS: Please send Wild Blueberry flavor!
DO YOU KNOW A PERSON OR COMPANY THAT YOU THINK FRANK SHOULD WRITE TO? IF SO, EMAIL HIM AT FRANK@TLCHICKEN.COM
artid
490
Old Image
3_2_krusteaz.swf
issue
vol 3 - issue 02 (oct 2000)
section
stories