ADOPT-A-PAL

SNICKERS: He is a firefighter’s best bud. If you had to pick one out of 101, this pure-bred dalmatian would be the one to go with. He has been through pyromaniac dream fires. Fires so horrible that they charred his top lip off. No joke, friends. This brave snoop doggie dog had lips at one time. That doesn’t mean that all dogs have lips, if you know what I’m sayin’. This frisky sparkle tooth will charm and scare most small children. Adopt Snickers today. His senses are strong as hell. He can sense the smell of slutty knees burning up a carpet. He is bad. Bad, bad, badski!
BUSH NIBBLES: Here we have a bush baby straight from the tropical rain forests of, well, who knows where the hell this freaky creature came from. Bush Nibbles is a great animal to have during the whole presidential election thing going on now. If you’re voting for Bush, adopt this crazy ad campaign waiting to happen. You’ll get all your pals to vote for Bush. Promote bush in all forms. Get your furry bush out there and promote all the bushes! Who is Bush Nibbles and why is he in Al Gore’s bush? Sorry, folks. I just like saying “bush.” He’s nice and he’s all about Medicare!
1972 TRANS AM: Yep. That’s what it is: a used car. We thought the rest of the pets at our shelter weren’t special enough to make recognizable for new homes. Instead, we found it more important to sell a vehicle. It is a groovy 1972 beauty with all new shocks, brakes, bushings (there I go with that word again), and more. Gentlemen, this fully-loaded 8-track dream machine will sway all those big-haired women right onto your tight-jeaned laps. You can floor this 8-cylinder chick magnet into your biggest fantasies. Note: Pet included! Comes with pet rat named Trixie Renee.