MASTURBATION: THE ANTI-DRUG

As I was sitting on my sofa, watching Olympic figure skating, chain-smoking Parliaments, eating no-bake cookies like it was my job, and telling my roommate what a fat ass that Russian bitch Chunky Slutsthickasmygrandmaschristmasfudge is, my intelligence was once again attacked in my own home by our oh-so-savvy and street-smart media. You know the commercial I’m talking about: blah, blah blah, kid making a pissed-off face with a voice-over by his dad telling us that his son (GASP!) knows people who smoke marijuana, but his fucking kiss-ass of a son doesn't. How, you are asking, does he know that his son doesn't burn? Because he asks him, of course. Every day. The message? Communication: The Anti-Drug. Bullshit. I admit, in my party days I snorted enough meth to eliminate 20% of my brain cells. I also know, however, that I am still more intelligent than your average corporate CEOs and Ted Turner combined. When I was 17, my parental figure asked me daily if I was having sex, drinking or doing drugs. I do not recall ever saying, "Actually, yeah. I spent the weekend doing blow, drinking whiskey, and banging my basketball coach." For the next four years I managed to communicate just fine, and still find time to learn how to bong beer, roll joints, and turn an eight ball into six perfectly equal lines. Go me! Anyway, after having spent a few weeks in rehab recently (surprise), I have learned something else: The only thing worth doing when sober is masturbating. I have turned it into a goddamned art form. I could teach a class: How to Masturbate Five Times a Day and Avoid Carpal Tunnel. So, in defiance of mass media and nosy parents everywhere, I am starting my own Anti-Drug campaign. That's right, Masturbation: The Anti-Drug. I'm gonna blitz this city with 30-second television spots about the amazing Pearl Rabbit. Vibrators: The Anti-Drug. I'm gonna give every 14-year-old slut a year’s supply of porn and a VIP pass to Pure Platinum. Hustler: The Anti-Drug. But, I'm gonna need your help. I propose this: if you know someone who is wasting their days away by minding their own business, smoking weed, eating Cheetos and watching The Cartoon Network, have an intervention. Gather all the porn you can find, sit down with this person, and communicate to them that in an effort to keep our city safe, you would like them to consider masturbation as their new addiction. Wrestle their bongs away and lock them in their room. Occasionally, throw in a towel and some new mags. This is, after all, your job as an American. Insanity: The Anti-Drug.