SWEET TOOTH

I knew that I must be growing up when I realized tonight that I had a bowl of Kix and didn't put any sugar on it! And the other day, I actually ate a bowl of All-Bran! Plain! No sugar, no fruit! What am I, 60? Most people would probably think that these things aren't really that big a deal, but let me explain myself: Since I flew out of the womb, I've eaten about 4000 pounds of sugar. In middle school, I used to buy Kool-Aid packets and mix the powder with a cup of sugar in a plastic bag, and then just eat it raw throughout the day. I seriously can't even come close to knowing how many cavities I've had, but here's a Ripley's Believe It Or Not for you: a few years ago, I went to the dentist and he told me I had 17 cavities! I didn't even know that I had that many teeth in my mouth! I've been addicted to candy (specifically Gummi Worms and Smarties) for as long as I can remember. But when it got to the point where I was starting to have to pay my own dental bills, I realized I probably should start taking better care of my teeth. And the thought of it being really hard to get guys being a toothless wonder by the age of 26 did cross my mind. So starting this past January, I went cold turkey. No candy. None. Whew. You know, the first step really is admitting you have a problem. I'm not putting down alcoholics or crackheads, but they haven't felt real pain until they've given up that sweet taste of Gummi Cola Bottles for good. It's been three months. I'm at work right now, and they just put a big Easter basket of sweets on my desk for incoming clients. Fuck it! I dive in and swim in the sea of sugar. Aaahhh. Relief!