THE POP-UP QUESTION

A recent visit to the information super-highway held an unforeseen and disconcerting destination. When the pop-up window promised the enlightenment of understanding what guys were really saying, I scoffed at the author’s ambition to exploit the insecurities of the ladies. Unfortunately, a minor guffaw caused an intellectual derailment as I soon fell prey to the lure of the snake oil. Generally, heterosexual males have trouble harvesting an honest damn about what other men are thinking, but what if, by reading the article, I could gain an insight as to what women thought I was saying. Perhaps by saying “thee” instead of “the”, or by pronouncing “schedule” as “shedule”, I might have more luck with the ladies. My last attempt at flirting involved a giant novelty-sized spoon, no sexual innuendo, and absolutely no laughter. It seemed like a valid proposition, so I proceeded in order to satiate my curiosities. Upon clicking the hypertext, I was presented with another pop-up window. This one contained a multiple choice quiz. Ridiculous questions abound, I tried figuring out whether I: A) wanted sex, B) wanted a compliment about my car, or C) was upset about being locked out of the house by her mother, when I said, "It looks like the faucet is leaking." For the sake of science I continued, completing all but one of the queries. Confident that I had honestly answered all of the questions, I clicked on the "Score Me" icon. To my surprise I had completely failed, and was even told to "Wake Up!" It seems that even I am incapable of understanding what I am saying. To this end, I have decided to start all of my sentences with a direct reference to my car. My Geo Metro thinks it will work well.