MY FAVORITE

One time I lost my Mom at JCPenney. I always sit in the middle of the clothes racks because I get tired of shopping all day and my legs hurt. I usually watch for her to stop sliding the hangers, but this time it didn’t stop. When I peeked out she was gone. That lumpy thing happened in my throat, but I didn’t want to be a cry baby. I hate that lumpy thing. Like that time I sat on a tack. I tried to be cool and smile through the pain, but then I had to lean to one side and yank it out without making a peep. Then I had to take that walk of shame to the teacher’s desk to explain why I needed to go the nurse’s office. Hopefully I’ll make it out the door before I make the cry baby face and the lumpy thing happens. The only good thing is that my mind gets all screwy, plotting revenge as the school nurse swabs the new hole in my butt cheek. Does the tether ball rope have enough slack? Debating my options of murder or suicide at recess comes naturally when I have a tack in my ass. Watch their eyes. Their eyes will tattle on them and then you will have your revenge. And keep an eye on Harvey Speakman. He’s mean enough to do anything. His mom probably even hates him. If he did it, I can’t tattle. He’d kill me. I’d rather have a hole in my butt than have the snot beat outta me after school. Harvey is big dumb and slow, but not that slow. Christopher tried to outrun him once. That was the last time anyone flipped Harvey Speakman the bird. The monkey bars are a happy accident waiting to happen. One slip and a young head will bounce along the rungs like chips in the Plinko game. Or one well-placed Chuck Taylor will also help me sleep well tonight. But how can I tell my mom? She’ll know. She’ll see the scab and notice my underwear. Wait! I can throw them away-- she’ll never notice a pair missing. Crap! I’m wearing my Batman Underoos. Why?!? My favorite! Now I have to tell her and get a new pair of Batman Underoos. Well, at least I’ll have two shirts now. This really hurts, but I’m not gonna cry. No fuckin’ way.