UNCLE JOE

Hello, my name is Jake. I am seven and my Uncle Joe is passed out on the couch. I like staying over at his house because he doesn't make me eat dumb stuff. I also get to stay up as late as I want and he lets me look at his books. He's got a lot of books; I mean, not just dirty ones, but different kinds. And they are everywhere: on the tables, and stacked on the floor and all over his desk and bookshelves. He always tells me that it's a shame that no one reads anymore and that everyone is stupid. He's really funny. He talks to himself a lot, and sometimes you can't understand what he's saying, but I like him a lot. I even like him better than my dad. He always helps me with my homework and takes me places and shows me a lot of stuff that no one else bothers to tell me because they think I am just a dumb kid. My dad is all uptight and stuff, and he calls Uncle Joe a lot of mean names, like shiftless, hippie, slacker and bozo. What does my dad know? He's a jackass with an office job and he is always driving around and never has any time for me. He gets mad when I sit in his car because I got sick in it once. Yep. He's a jackass. Isn't that the coolest word? Jackass. I like the way it rolls off my tongue. Another thing I like is when I'm at Uncle Joe’s I can say anything I like, and he'll never raise his hand to me and tell me to watch my F-ing mouth, like my dad does. That's another thing my Uncle Joe wouldn't do: hit me. Uncle Joe says that people are worthless, but that you shouldn't hurt animals because they don't know any better, and that the bad things you do will come back on you like seven times. He also says that you should be good to other people or when you die you will come back as a bug, or a pile of poop. I know another reason my dad hates Uncle Joe is because he smokes pot, and you're not supposed to, because in school they tell you that it will kill you and your whole life will be ruined and a bunch of bad stuff will happen to you. But Uncle Joe says that is not true, and that is just more stupid people in charge telling everyone what to think and do because a lot of people can't think for themselves and they need to have someone else do it. He says that the government is full of evil men who only care about making money. He says history is all lies and that racists and bigots and bad people started good stories about themselves to keep the truth hidden and that a lot of people in the world are bad, but some are really, really good. I like being at my Uncle Joe’s house.