MUSIC TO MAKE LOVE TO YOUR HAND BY

I am the coolest kid in my class. I got the Star Wars Episode II soundtrack before anybody else. My Uncle’s friend pirated it off the Internet, Han Solo-style. It’s real neat. I think my Uncle is going to explode with joy. My mom calls him a “geeky fanboy.” “It’s a movie, not a religion,” she said. “You’re just mad because that pussy Jesus didn’t have a lightsaber,” he told her. She told Uncle Funk to “fuck off and not to spew that shit.” Uncle Funk laughed and said that I was still not going to school on “opening day.” I’m not sure what that all meant, but I know I’m not going to school on that day. I like the music. It makes me feel all good inside-- like when Jenny Krause kissed me at recess. Uncle Funk says just listening to it makes him know too much, but not like the “Death of Qui-Gon” fiasco. Especially when it slips into the “Imperial March”. You know that means Anakin is turning to the Dark Side and turning into Darth Vader. There’s a lovey dovey song, too, and that is when Anakin and Padme (she’s so cute) kiss. That will lead to more lovin’ and Luke and Leia. Yoda’s song is there, too, and my Uncle says he’s going to be a “badassed motherfucker” in this movie. I asked him how can he be a badassed motherfucker if he’s shorter than me. He just said, “Size? Size matters not, young Skywalker.”