CALLING ALL HATE MAIL: GEORGIE LUCAS

Jerry Bruckheimer (or Joel Schumaker for that matter) has more talent in one of his crusty toenails than Georgie Lucas has in his whole huge, Jabba-like body. That's not even to say that I like those directors, because I think they're hack pieces of shit as well. But I'm trying to put it all in perspective for you. Now, before you start writing me hate mail, Obi Gaynobi, let me finish. You'll have plenty more reasons to write me upon completion of this piece, I promise. So, big deal, he created the Star Wars insanity. Gee, thanks, Georgie! Star Wars is so much more useful than, say, a CURE FOR CANCER or a SOLUTION FOR WORLD HUNGER! The way you Jedi act, you'd have thought he actually did something worthwhile. But no, all he did was make a few movies. A few movies, I might point out, that are ALL THE SAME. And now, with his blubbery iron fist (or "flipper" as I like to refer to it), he has released yet another pox of a film on our helpless world. Yes, folks, the day dorks the world over have been waiting for is here: the release of Star Wars 2, or whatever the fuck it's called. Just like every other person on Earth, I've seen all of the movies. Yes, I was even dragged by my girlfriend (NOTE: She is now my EX-girlfriend) to Star Wars 1. I suffered through all two hours of it. I only tell you this, Hand Solo, so you know that I've paid my dues to the Dork Side. But I have seen the light, and I wanted to share that light with you. Now I know you're completely wrapped up in this whole Crapisode 2 thing right now, but when and if you ever get a minute away from it, I hope you will take a moment to consider the following:
OTHER THINGS IN LIFE:
- READING BOOKS! (NON-STAR WARS ONES, OF COURSE)
- EXERCISING OR ANY PHYSICAL ACTIVITY! (THAT DOESN'T HAVE TO DO WITH FOOTAGE OF CARRIE FISHER)
- LISTENING TO MUSIC! (JOHN WILLIAMS DOESN'T COUNT)
- RELATIONSHIPS AND SEX! (YOU MAY HAVE TO LOOK UP THAT LAST ONE IN A DICTIONARY)
- SPENDING TIME WITH FRIENDS! (NOTE: JAWAS ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS)
- VACATIONING AND SEEING THE WORLD! (NO, TATOOINE IS NOT A REAL PLACE)
- GETTING DRESSED UP AND GOING TO SEE A PERFORMANCE! (WEARING A STORMTROOPER COSTUME IS NOT "DRESSING UP")
I'm just trying to be helpful, Bobo Fett. So there you have it. You now have the potential to completely turn your life around and start anew. But unfortunately, there is a part of me that highly doubts you will do so.
Friends? Sex? A life? A Jedi needs not these things.
Obviously.
WRITE RON AT RONCOMI@YAHOO.COM