RUBBING WITH THE VINSTER

The story goes: April showers bring May flowers. What happen's to May's boquet? It wilts, because the June, July and August heat is enough to make Dante's Inferno look like a posh ski resort. Where does all this anti-perspirant annihilating heat come from? Two words: the sun. Yes, that most gaseous of otherworldly balls brings the mercurial pain for three months every year. And its ultraviolet rays possess the potential for skin cancer! So, how can one protect oneself, before one wrecks oneself? Simple. Follow my easy-to-use guide, and Skin Cancer will be as nonexistent as Orrin Hatch's pulse.
1. Proper Sunscreen Application: If I had a dollar for every time I saw someone apply sunscreen inappropriately, I could feed Louie Anderson. It's not rocket science. It's lotion. Make sure to shake that bad boy well before applying. Otherwise, the active protective ingredients will not mix, and your skin will be eaten away. Every exposed spot has to be covered, or you'll go down like an inexperienced German volunteer on WWII's front lines. And check those SPFs!
2. SPFs: SPF stands for Sun Protection Factor. SPFs are usually designated on sunscreen bottles by a number ranging from 2 to 50. This number lets you know how much longer you can stay in the sun before getting burnt like an 18th-century Salem housewife. Lower number SPFs are best for desert locals, island natives, and Greeks. Higher numbers are best for Senators, dogs, and pseudo-albinos such as myself.
3. Sunscreen Safety: Pouring sunscreen into your eyes is about as wise as a Nutty Professor sequel. For proper application, pour sunscreen into your hands, then rub it into your eyes. If the sunscreen causes your skin to develop a rash, be not afraid. That rash will act as an epidermal shield between your sacred skin and the sun's deadly rays. Try and scratch the infected areas, so it will spread across your entire body for total protection. And if you accidentally ingest sunscreen, you're a moron. But it could be worse. I remember back in the '80s there was a horrible rumor that Jon Bon Jovi had to have his stomach pumped because he got sick drinking his girlfriend's urine. Everyone knows only Ghandi can do that.
So there you have it friends, my quick and simple guide to Summer Skin Safety. If you have any additional summer safety questions, simply email me at vinnie@tlchicken.com. Enjoy the weather, wear clean draws, and vamos a la playa!