THE LANES, THEY ARE A-CHANGING

Hi-yo, gang! Pete Kolarski here: Editor-in-Chief of Southside Bowler, Pittsburgh's #1 Bowling newspaper. As an avid bowler of 23 years, I gotta tell you that there is no greater sin in my book than Lunar Bowling. Have you seen it? It's like a fruity, European version of the greatest game ever. Yet we, as decent, honest Americans, sit back and let this cultural rape happen. Would we let our precious National Football League fall into a similar lipstick and mascara death-trap? Would we let our all-American Major League Baseball Association become overrun by a bunch of Friday Night David Bowie's? No. We would not. So I ask you, my fellow ten-pin-loving sons and daughters of the revolution, to stand with me and fight this social terror. Let's smash their fancy disco lights. Let's toss their prissy little neon pink and green bowling balls into the Allegheny. Let's burn their un-bowlable teeny-bopper soundtracks, and crank up The Boss, Skynyrd, and Merle Haggard. Make them respect all the men and women who put their lives on the line to ensure that our country would not fall victim to the Euro-perils of high-fashion faux-athleticism. If you're interested in eliminating these waxed-lane criminals from our general populace, I will be holding an information session/discussion at the First Church of the Almighty Savior, three blocks North of Primanti Bros., in the Southside. Cookies and punch will be provided. Thank you, and happy bowling.