HEARTTHROBS

I was having brunch with Jason Priestly and Wilford Brimley at Bob Evans, oh, about a week ago. Jay (Jason prefers his close friends call him that) and Willy (I call Wilford that as per his request) were trading horror stories about working with Shannen Doherty, who'd just nabbed a booth across the dining area from us. They'd both worked with her before (Willy on Our House, and Jay on 90210). She'd ignored all of us as she walked in. As if we gave a shit! We had better things to do than talk to her ass! We were heartthrobs. She was in a movie with Judd Nelson. You do the math.
"Man, James, you're lucky you'll never have to work with that bitch on wheels!" Jay chuckled as Willy stole one of my biscuits. I didn't mind.
You may be wondering why he called me "James,” as my name is "D.J.". It's a funny story. One day I was eating some Blue Ribbon Pasta at Bob's when Jay and Willy walked it. They had just attended a Teen Beat cover boy reunion. Jay was on covers in the late '80s, and apparently Willy was big back in the '30s, when the mag first started out. He was in a small clip in the first issue; no fanfare. But by the third issue, he was on the cover! Anyhoo, they had seen me and mistook me for Dawson's Creek heartthrob James Van Der Beek (who had missed the reunion). Now, if you've ever seen me and James Van Der Beek, you know we look nothing alike. But Jay never watches TV (he's Canadian), so he wouldn't know. Jay took Willy's word for it, and Willy's eyes aren't so good.
So there I was, with two of the biggest stars in the world thinking I was one of the handsomest teen heartthrobs of all time! What was I to do? Tell the truth? Hell no! I invited them over and ordered a round of chocolate milks. Jay later offered to pick up the bill, but was short on cash. Willy ignored the whole "who's gonna pay" exchange, looking the other way as I pulled out my wallet. It was cool, though.
We had the best time! They told true stories about fame, I made some up. It was great and we all agreed to meet at Bob's every week.
It was all cool. Jay and Willy would talk about what a bitch Shannen was. One time Jay asked me if I had any bad seeds on my show. Willy suggested Katie Holmes. I shook my head and told them she was an angel, as I imagine her to be. I did say that the guy who played Pacey was a bit of a diva.
But one day there was a little trouble in paradise. Willy, who's muy macho, suggested we arm wrestle to see who was the strongest. I was nervous, but played along. When he and Jay beat me, they got a little bit suspicious. "I thought you were all muscular and stuff," Jay said suspiciously as he tried to feel my flabby pecs. I dodged him and said I had to go.
As a precaution, I went to Kroger and bought all of their teen magazines. I took them home and cut out pictures of my face from family photo albums. I taped my face over every picture of James Van Der Beek's. Then I went back to Kroger and returned them.
The next week I waited at Bob's nervously. One of the waitresses recognized me. We went to high school together. She started telling me how everyone was doing. I told her that I could not care less about the people I went to high school with! She frowned and left. Good.
Not soon after, I saw Jay and Willy walk in. They looked around for me, so I waved my hand. They smiled and came over to the table. But instead of sitting down, they frowned. Oh no! I've been found out! They know I'm not James Van Der Beek! Then Jay flipped out a Teen Beat from his pocket and threw it on the table.
"I--I can explain!" I stammered.
"Good. Because I want to know,.. how to get my hair like yours in the ‘Who's Hot?’ section!" Jay said as they sat down.
Confused, I looked through the magazine. There, on page 24, atop James Van Der Beek's neck, was my head! Whew!
"Lookin' good, my main man!" Willy congratulated me and gave me a high five.
I ordered some blueberry hotcakes. Jay did the same. He so wants to be just like me. Willy stole one of my sausage patties. Everything was as it should be.