DIE, STARFUCKER, DIE!

I am a cynical motherfucker. I know this. I accept this. However, I save it for important things like humanity, religion, and corporate politics. My “fuck it” personality isn’t a science, nor is it zen-like, but it works for me. If you don’t like it, well, what can I say? Ah, of course: FUCK YOU! That oft used staple of my vocabulary is exactly the sentiment I’d like to send out to the majority of film critics. I love movies and try to see them for what they are: entertainment. With the exception of the work of Schumacher, West, Bay, and Bruckheimer, I will try to find enjoyment out of any film. Two hours spent in a dark theatre is a hell of a lot better than spending that time with you assholes. In the past month of blockbuster movies, the so-called film critics have done nothing but piss me off. Since when did scribbling 700 words on your assessment of a film become a forum for personal attacks? That’s my job you miserable, slack-jawed, egomaniacal cocksuckers. If you are what the stereotypes suggest (failed screenwriters, actors and directors), then wouldn’t it be in your favor to be objective in your critiques? Your arrogance and delusional power trips are sad. But what is infinitely and utterly pathetic is that behind all of your disdainful posturing and elitist bullshit, you yearn to be what you claim to hate most of all: a successful Hollywood somebody with fame, fortune, and an opening weekend of $50 million. In the meantime, you’re paid money to watch movies like Star Wars and Spider-Man! The truth is, you whiny pricks have been waiting three years to tear these movies and their fans apart, with complete non-objectivity and snide personal attacks. I’m not sure which is lower: your professionalism or your integrity. I thought they saved that level of hypocritical shit-eating for Catholics. If you don’t like it and have a deep personal hatred for Lucas, fine! But don’t be a vindictive fuckwad by belittling the fans and printing spoilers. Don’t condescend to speak for those fans that you so publicly shun either. Even hardcore fans had problems with Episode I. But there was a lot to like about it, and I wouldn’t be surprised to find the DVD in your hallowed collection. Right next to Shakespeare in Love.