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22 December 2023
August brings extreme heat, which, for me, brings sunburn and, thus, dehydration. Dehydration leads to hallucination, which leads to me wandering the desert-- just me and my nearly naked Native American buddy. We ride the snake.
I usually come to in a plastic kiddie pool of 200 SPF sunscreen, wearing only my boxers and goggles. Which means it's time to beat the heat with that solution of solutions: a trip to the public pool.
But there are precautions that must be taken. Namely these:
1. GET YOUR SHOTS - "Municipal" equals "disease". Oh please believe it! Before you dive into that cool, refreshing (cess) pool, be sure you're properly vaccinated.
2. USE BIRTH CONTROL - Your face is saying, "Eww! Don't be ridiculous!" But your brain is saying, "You bet your sweet Left Eye Lopez I'm wearing protection!" My neighbor was born that way. We used to think it was immaculate conception.
3. MAKE YOUR PRESENCE KNOWN - You'll notice every swimmer at the pool is between the ages of 8 and 12 years old and, most likely, they’re motherless. Discipline will need a face and a voice. Let it be yours. Don't hesitate to clean one of those unruly abandoned children's clocks if they get out of line. That's why the outer edge of the pool is made of concrete.
4. EAT TOO MUCH - Nothing says, "Stay the fuck away from me. I'm wading," like a floating stream of loose vomit. Load up during all-swim, and let 'er rip during adult-swim. Consider it Calgon.
5. TWO WORDS: "SPEEDO" - No other article of aqua-ready clothing is tight enough to keep out the fungi, bacteria, and occasional randy wiener.
6. ACTUALLY, THERE IS NO NUMBER SIX - I don't really know where this article is going. I've been sitting in Wayne's car now for three hours. It's a hundred-odd degrees outside, and I can't figure out how to roll down the window. Hey, Naked Indian Buddy! Do you know how to roll these windows down?
I usually come to in a plastic kiddie pool of 200 SPF sunscreen, wearing only my boxers and goggles. Which means it's time to beat the heat with that solution of solutions: a trip to the public pool.
But there are precautions that must be taken. Namely these:
1. GET YOUR SHOTS - "Municipal" equals "disease". Oh please believe it! Before you dive into that cool, refreshing (cess) pool, be sure you're properly vaccinated.
2. USE BIRTH CONTROL - Your face is saying, "Eww! Don't be ridiculous!" But your brain is saying, "You bet your sweet Left Eye Lopez I'm wearing protection!" My neighbor was born that way. We used to think it was immaculate conception.
3. MAKE YOUR PRESENCE KNOWN - You'll notice every swimmer at the pool is between the ages of 8 and 12 years old and, most likely, they’re motherless. Discipline will need a face and a voice. Let it be yours. Don't hesitate to clean one of those unruly abandoned children's clocks if they get out of line. That's why the outer edge of the pool is made of concrete.
4. EAT TOO MUCH - Nothing says, "Stay the fuck away from me. I'm wading," like a floating stream of loose vomit. Load up during all-swim, and let 'er rip during adult-swim. Consider it Calgon.
5. TWO WORDS: "SPEEDO" - No other article of aqua-ready clothing is tight enough to keep out the fungi, bacteria, and occasional randy wiener.
6. ACTUALLY, THERE IS NO NUMBER SIX - I don't really know where this article is going. I've been sitting in Wayne's car now for three hours. It's a hundred-odd degrees outside, and I can't figure out how to roll down the window. Hey, Naked Indian Buddy! Do you know how to roll these windows down?
artid
787
Old Image
4_11_pool.swf
issue
vol 4 - issue 11 (aug 2002)
section
stories