admin
22 December 2023
Gather ‘round the fire, boys and girls. Ol' Uncle Furter will spin ya some yarns about the most ghastly and horrific time of the year: Labor Day. It all started back around the turn of the 20th Century, when Ol' Upton Sinclair started telling good folks why they called them there meaty sandwiches a “Manwich”. Things were a-heading in the wrong direction, and there was only one man who could do something about it: Teddy Roosevelt.
What's that little, Bobby? What do you mean Labor Day already happened? I'm afraid you are incorrect. It says right here on my electronic wristwatch that it is at present 4:37am, Tuesday the 27th day of August, in the two-thousand-and-first year of our Lord. Now hush up, or instead of studyin' some saucy vittles, y'all be studyin' a knuckle sandwich!
Now, Roosevelt, he knew he couldn't do it all by himself, so he rustled up his trusty Green Mountain Boys.
Quit yer yammerin' there, little Cindy. If ya gots something to say, then spit it up. What do ya mean “Halloween”? Why would ya want to hear about Halloween? That there is a holiday fer sissies and pansy-hoppers. Why, they don't even let all ya little kids go on out trick-or-treatin' on Halloween anymore; they do it a whole week before! And they make ya go in the middle of the day! What's so derned scary about that? When I was a kid we didn't start trick-or-treating until one in the morning. And we wore latex novelty monster masks that were too big and had the eye holes on our foreheads, so we kept running into trees and such ruckus. People never worried about razor blades in apples because we didn't eat apples. Apples weren't coated in no sugar, and they didn't have no cartoon, so we kids didn't eat ‘em.
Well, now I hear all yer mom's callin', so yer gonna have to wait till next time to hear about Ol' Teddy Roosevelt.
What's that little, Bobby? What do you mean Labor Day already happened? I'm afraid you are incorrect. It says right here on my electronic wristwatch that it is at present 4:37am, Tuesday the 27th day of August, in the two-thousand-and-first year of our Lord. Now hush up, or instead of studyin' some saucy vittles, y'all be studyin' a knuckle sandwich!
Now, Roosevelt, he knew he couldn't do it all by himself, so he rustled up his trusty Green Mountain Boys.
Quit yer yammerin' there, little Cindy. If ya gots something to say, then spit it up. What do ya mean “Halloween”? Why would ya want to hear about Halloween? That there is a holiday fer sissies and pansy-hoppers. Why, they don't even let all ya little kids go on out trick-or-treatin' on Halloween anymore; they do it a whole week before! And they make ya go in the middle of the day! What's so derned scary about that? When I was a kid we didn't start trick-or-treating until one in the morning. And we wore latex novelty monster masks that were too big and had the eye holes on our foreheads, so we kept running into trees and such ruckus. People never worried about razor blades in apples because we didn't eat apples. Apples weren't coated in no sugar, and they didn't have no cartoon, so we kids didn't eat ‘em.
Well, now I hear all yer mom's callin', so yer gonna have to wait till next time to hear about Ol' Teddy Roosevelt.
artid
905
Old Image
5_2_roosevelt.swf
issue
vol 5 - issue 02 (oct 2002)
section
stories