Kyle slammed his eyes shut hard and ran a finger across the gaping slash that ran through his stomach.
"Damn, that hurts," he said to no one in particular.
Apparently, a butter knife is simply just too dull to properly slice off excess love handles.

When I was in college, a buddy of mine asked me to go to a party with him. The girl that was having the party was this chick that I was totally into. She had her camera at the party, and was running around taking pictures of everyone there. A few weeks later I ran into her on campus. At first, I thought she was happy to see me. But then she handed me a few photos.
"Here," she said. "These are some pictures of you at my party."
"Don't you want to keep them for your photo albums or something?"
"No. You can have them."
Then she ran off.
Man, that sucked.

The Patron Saint of Infinite Patience and Flawless Logic does for me, against my perceived enemies, what the Patron Saint of Axe Handles and Extension Cords cannot; and vice versa.
I pray to one of them when I feel like making a measured change from within; faith and open charity toward all mankind through rational thought and infinite fortitude, allowing those around me to make their own mistakes. But I intentionally blow out that candle when it doesn't seem to be working; in which case I kick in the heavy wooden door of a far uglier church.

"How am I? Hmm,.. I guess I hadn't given that much thought. Well, this morning I was jolted out of sleep by the call of an unattainable angel. Unfortunately, my head felt as mangled and knotted as my heart, so I couldn't talk. I thought my noggin had been impaled by an old, rusty fountain pen. If I didn't move it was sufferable. But the slightest movement caused excruciating pain. The funny part was that I hadn't even been drinking. In fact, I fell asleep with a belly full of chamomile tea. What else,..

One Sunday morning, I split in two.
My mother barely noticed, until the other half of me started writing home. That's when Mom got worried. My other half was asking for money, and lots of it.
My other half built a boat. It set off from the California coast, and gives no mind to coming back to shore. It likes the water. It sails by the constellations. It never took a lesson, and never knew a sailor. It does what it does, and it does it surprisingly well.
"On the water," it writes me in ocean-smeared ink, "I know no troubles. No evils. No sadness. I am happy. But I miss you."

Only with time do you realize how priceless innocence really is. Unfortunately, at that point you can only look back at it and try and revel in the fact that you once had that quality. That was a long time ago. Now you're that same kind of tragedy that war veterans are: injured, one-armed, miserable, and, at the same time, without any right to complain. After all, you've mowed down countless people with your machine gun. Why bother using the word "injustice" to your advantage?

YOU MIGHT NOT REMEMBER PETER BILLINGSLEY AS THE TWO-YEAR-OLD PROP IN THAT GERITOL COMMERCIAL FROM THE SEVENTIES. BUT YOU PROBABLY DO REMEMBER HIM AS "RALPHIE" FROM A CHRISTMAS STORY. READ ON TO FIND OUT JUST HOW MUCH OUR LITTLE PETER HAS GROWNS UP, AND GROWNS UP, AND GROWNS UP.
Wayne: So, how did you get into acting?

There once was a young ninja. He was the greatest pupil his master, Eddie Bourbon: Ninja to the Stars, had ever taught. He was the quickest and deadliest of all the student ninjas in his age group.

Dosvidanya, my little Americans! Are you as excited for the holidays as I am? Doubt it. I'm the President. That means I do everything better than you. Even get excited. That's for certain. Another thing that's for certain? I won't be sitting at the kid’s table again this year. Daddy already said I could sit with him and the big people.
Now, I know what you're thinking: What kind of cow does jerky come from? Later.

DECEMBER'S FUN FACT:
Actually, this isn’t a Fun Fact. The one I wrote was fucking lame. So, rather than try and come up with a good one, I think running this picture of Percussion Princess Lars Ulrich is a much better solution. I’m only sad that I couldn’t find a picture of him in the Daisy Duke-ish tennis shorts he used to play in back in the ‘80s. That, or a picture of him tubesteaking Sean Fanning, like he did back when Napster was cool.