FREAK FILMS: DAGON

When two couples on vacation have a bit of boat trouble, Paul and his chick paddle to the shores of the nearest fishing village in search of help. Nautical nonsense ensues. This is one freaky fuckin’ town, and its inhabitants are creepier than a tongue kiss from grandma. The church seems the only refuge, but it is sans gaudy Christ idols and crosses. It seems that good ol’ Jesus has been kicked to the curb in favor of Dagon, an ancient fish-shilling god, highly regarded by pre-Christianity Jews in the Old Testament. Sure, worshipping Dagon may cause you to mutate you into a rubbery-lipped freak with gills, but he'll fill your plate with more fish than Arthur Treacher and Long John Silver combined. He'll also fill your pockets with gold. Last time I checked, Jesus could only do the fish trick. Now, when Paul returns to the yacht, his shipmates are (surprise) gone, and his honey is off with that creepy Namor motherfucker in search of a doctor. In his desperate search for her, he encounters a multitude of fishy characters (no pun) that are either trying to kill him or warn him of his destiny. One of them is a naked chick so hot that Paul would surely forget about his impending trench foot if it weren't for her eight-tentacled legs. The upside is that she'll understand your complaints about the smell when you dive into that octopussy. The downside is that no matter which way your peter teeters, that shit is just too kinky, especially for our hero Paul. Once Paul finds his gal, the story gets even more fucked up in true Lovecraft style. I have been traditionally disappointed with film adaptations of Lovecraft works, but Stuart Gordon really impressed me with this film. It looks every bit the big budget horror film it isn't. It is a creepy, relentless, mean-spirited ride, and doesn't cop out with a touchy-feely Hollywood happy ending. I give it two flippers up and four fins for gore tastier than all-you-can-eat surf n’ turf.