EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS

I recently went to the premier of Adam Sandler's new cartoon movie, Eight Crazy Nights. At the beginning of some of these promo screenings they have little contests to give away free awful shit that studios produce to sell the movie. You know how people freak out when someone says, "Free t-shirt!" It's akin to someone saying, "Excuse me everyone. The planet is about to explode, and this is the entry way to the only ship on Earth that can save you. So please line up orderly. The first 25 people will survive, and the rest of you will suffer an agonizing death. So, who's first?" There is always a catch involved, though. You just have to do something very humiliating, and quite outrageous-- but you get a free t-shirt! This time all you had to do was sing a line from one of Adam's songs. Now, they only had enough shit for ten people. Only ten! So how many people went up? Four. Only four! I couldn't believe it. They were begging to get rid of their useless shit and no one cared. Apparently it seemed that everyone had a conscience awakening, and realized that it was all just useless shit. Even in a theater filled with children. All of a sudden, a new respect began to grow in me for the human race. Maybe we will be all right after all. Maybe we won't destroy each other, and (gasp!) actually survive to live in some sort of Star Trek utopia. As I held my breath to try to keep tears of pride running down my face, the shit peddler exclaimed, "Okay, well, anyone who can say a line from an Adam Sandler movie will get a prize package." The state of nirvana that was briefly created, was broken by the elephant stampede that broke toward the theater front. I quietly composed myself and mourned the loss of human righteousness,.. as I stood third in line. Oh well. At least I will have my t-shirt at the approaching ground-zero. When it was my turn, I stepped forward and delightfully bellowed the line, "The price is wrong, bitch!" I felt a momentary rush of excitement. I collected my "gilded prize" and went back to my seat. Surely the world looked brighter now that I had my free t-shirt, size-- SMALL?!? Goddamn it. This fucking sucks chinchilla balls.