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22 December 2023
We don’t print everything we write. I know. Can you believe it? On these next two pages we offer you four stories that have been buried for so long, we almost forgot about them. Almost. Why are we running them now? Because we love torture.
Enjoy.
- Wayne
NOTE FROM WAYNE: I LOVE THIS PIECE. THIS IS FROM OUR GOOD FRIEND D.J. KIRKBRIDE, WHO HAS CONTINUED TO SEND US GREAT PIECES THROUGHOUT OUR RUN. I HAVE TO ADMIT, WHEN D.J. STARTED SUBMITTING STUFF, I WAS A BIT PUZZLED. IT WASN’T EXACTLY STRAIGHT-FORWARD HUMOR ARTICLES, BUT IT WASN’T QUITE FIT FOR PEN & THINK EITHER. SO I HELD ON TO THIS BECAUSE I REALLY WASN’T SURE WHERE TO PUT IT. THANK GOD FOR THIS SECTION.
Have you ever felt like, if you knew what in the hell you were talking about, you'd be right? Well, I'm honestly not sure what is going on in this fine, sprawling country of ours as far as the "real world" goes, but this concept of "American Pride", or being "Proud To Be An American" has been on my mind. What does "American Pride" mean? To me, having never defended this or any other country, or done anything overtly patriotic (aside from wearing a USA flag themed Superman t-shirt a few times), it's an abstract concept. To some who've defended our country in various wars, well, a sense of American pride is absolutely understandable and, under the circumstances, well deserved.
But should I be "Proud To Be An American"? Nope. I don't think so. What the shit have I ever done to earn a feeling of pride in; living in a country in which I just happened to be born? I didn't work for it. Haven't fought for it (and hopefully won't ever have to because I'm a big pussy). Didn't do a thing. Just the way the proverbial cookie crumbled. So, I'm not proud to be an American. Don't have any right to be.
I'm LUCKY to be an American by my estimation, because we're currently the richest and fattest country around. That's good for me because I like to buy frivolous stuff like DVDs and eat countless bowls of Fruity Pebbles and not worry about basic things like survival. For me, to be proud to be an American would be as silly as me being proud to be of above current average height (6'4" when not slouching), or me being proud to be white.
Uh oh. White pride. That's stupid sounding, isn't it? Why would I be proud of my skin color? Didn't work for it or earn it; just genetics. I burn easy. Whoopdeedoo. Feeling a sense of pride for being a pale-faced Caucasian would be as misguided as me feeling proud of the fact that I'm straight.
Now, lest you think I ever had to drive a tank to fight for my heterosexuality, allow me to set the record straight (no pun intended). I never worked for or earned my predilection toward gals. Just born this way. Good ol' genetics again. Why would I be proud of genetics? That'd be like being proud to have two hands.
So I'm an American, tall, white, straight guy. What's to be proud of? Just kinda fell into it (much like, I believe, Keanu Reeves and movie stardom). Didn't have any choice in these matters. Not proud. Not ashamed, though. Just am.
I do enjoy taking pride in my own personal accomplishments like,.. well, a couple days ago I made some kickass photocopies at work. That wasn't just some chance trait I was born with or anything. Photocopying is a difficult skill that I've been working on for a while now. I've yet to master it, but I take pride in how far I've come.
And I cannot forget my mad karate skills. Never took any lessons, so I guess there's some innate talent there. But only through repeated viewings of Enter the Dragon and Karate Kid have I developed the astounding technique I'm pretty sure I now possess. I haven't tested it, but aside from Bruce Lee circa the 1970s, I'm pretty sure I could kick anybody's ass. Just a theory I have. Maybe a little off subject. You decide. But don't tell me what you decide. I don't need to know.
So, be who you be is what I'm trying to say. Take pride in your individual accomplishments, as opposed to lumping yourself in a random group that you just happened to be born into thanks to Fate or God or Michael Eisner or genetics or whatever you believe.
Enjoy.
- Wayne
NOTE FROM WAYNE: I LOVE THIS PIECE. THIS IS FROM OUR GOOD FRIEND D.J. KIRKBRIDE, WHO HAS CONTINUED TO SEND US GREAT PIECES THROUGHOUT OUR RUN. I HAVE TO ADMIT, WHEN D.J. STARTED SUBMITTING STUFF, I WAS A BIT PUZZLED. IT WASN’T EXACTLY STRAIGHT-FORWARD HUMOR ARTICLES, BUT IT WASN’T QUITE FIT FOR PEN & THINK EITHER. SO I HELD ON TO THIS BECAUSE I REALLY WASN’T SURE WHERE TO PUT IT. THANK GOD FOR THIS SECTION.
Have you ever felt like, if you knew what in the hell you were talking about, you'd be right? Well, I'm honestly not sure what is going on in this fine, sprawling country of ours as far as the "real world" goes, but this concept of "American Pride", or being "Proud To Be An American" has been on my mind. What does "American Pride" mean? To me, having never defended this or any other country, or done anything overtly patriotic (aside from wearing a USA flag themed Superman t-shirt a few times), it's an abstract concept. To some who've defended our country in various wars, well, a sense of American pride is absolutely understandable and, under the circumstances, well deserved.
But should I be "Proud To Be An American"? Nope. I don't think so. What the shit have I ever done to earn a feeling of pride in; living in a country in which I just happened to be born? I didn't work for it. Haven't fought for it (and hopefully won't ever have to because I'm a big pussy). Didn't do a thing. Just the way the proverbial cookie crumbled. So, I'm not proud to be an American. Don't have any right to be.
I'm LUCKY to be an American by my estimation, because we're currently the richest and fattest country around. That's good for me because I like to buy frivolous stuff like DVDs and eat countless bowls of Fruity Pebbles and not worry about basic things like survival. For me, to be proud to be an American would be as silly as me being proud to be of above current average height (6'4" when not slouching), or me being proud to be white.
Uh oh. White pride. That's stupid sounding, isn't it? Why would I be proud of my skin color? Didn't work for it or earn it; just genetics. I burn easy. Whoopdeedoo. Feeling a sense of pride for being a pale-faced Caucasian would be as misguided as me feeling proud of the fact that I'm straight.
Now, lest you think I ever had to drive a tank to fight for my heterosexuality, allow me to set the record straight (no pun intended). I never worked for or earned my predilection toward gals. Just born this way. Good ol' genetics again. Why would I be proud of genetics? That'd be like being proud to have two hands.
So I'm an American, tall, white, straight guy. What's to be proud of? Just kinda fell into it (much like, I believe, Keanu Reeves and movie stardom). Didn't have any choice in these matters. Not proud. Not ashamed, though. Just am.
I do enjoy taking pride in my own personal accomplishments like,.. well, a couple days ago I made some kickass photocopies at work. That wasn't just some chance trait I was born with or anything. Photocopying is a difficult skill that I've been working on for a while now. I've yet to master it, but I take pride in how far I've come.
And I cannot forget my mad karate skills. Never took any lessons, so I guess there's some innate talent there. But only through repeated viewings of Enter the Dragon and Karate Kid have I developed the astounding technique I'm pretty sure I now possess. I haven't tested it, but aside from Bruce Lee circa the 1970s, I'm pretty sure I could kick anybody's ass. Just a theory I have. Maybe a little off subject. You decide. But don't tell me what you decide. I don't need to know.
So, be who you be is what I'm trying to say. Take pride in your individual accomplishments, as opposed to lumping yourself in a random group that you just happened to be born into thanks to Fate or God or Michael Eisner or genetics or whatever you believe.
artid
1060
Old Image
5_5_flag.jpg
issue
vol 5 - issue 05 (jan 2003)
section
stories