CHEESE, DANGEROUS CHEESE

The danger of cheese is not that it is delicious in almost all of its varieties (Cheddar, Mozzarella, Parmesan, Colby, Asiago, etc.). No, the problem with cheese is that it can kill ya. Just what I heard. Bad stuff. Fatty. Cholesterolly. No good. Calcium? Sure. But bad for the heart and hell on the breasticles! Indeed, thanks in no small part to cheese, I have big ol\' teardrop pointy man titties-- AND I STILL CAN\'T STOP EATING IT! I LOVE IT SLICED! I LOVE IT DICED! I LOVE IT SHREDDED! I LOVE IT MELTED! I! LOVE! CHEESE!
“Everything in moderation” they say. Try telling that to yourself when you have a bag of Doritos, some shredded Colby-Jack, and a microwave. Think “moderation” when you\'re crying your fat, man-tittied self to sleep at night, and you have a big ol\' block of sharp cheddar in the fridge, man! What the fuck are you supposed to do in situations such as these? Eat an apple? Drink some bland, tasteless water? No way! Only cheese can help, my friends. “They”, the “they” that say “everything in moderation”, “they” are assholes.
My thoughts turn to my youth, watching Saturday morning cartoons. We were told cheese was all good, right? We all saw the freaky cheese cowboy guy singing shit like:
“I hanker for a hunka,
A slab or slice or chunka,
A snack that is a winner,
And yet won\'t spoil my dinner,
I hanker for a hunka cheese,.. yahoo!”
Damn, that\'s a comforting song! It was all about how cheese would make you a,.. I dunno,.. top hat wearing socialite with no shirt. A cartoon man assured me that cheese was all good back when I was a kid. He told me to eat all the damn cheese I want for healthy bones, teeth, muscles, and a top hat. How can it be that cheese is no longer good in huge, ungodly mass quantities? Why does God hate me? That\'s the big question: WHY? DOES? GOD? HATE? ME?
Come to think of it,.. wasn’t that cartoon guy made of cheese? He\'s made of cheese, yet told chubby kids like me that we should eat cheese? Messed up, dog. Messed up.
This is me in line at a Chipotle (Awesome burrito chain, unfortunately owned by Ronald and Mayor McCheese.): “Yeah,.. black beans, chicken, mild and medium salsa. Oh, just a teeny, little bit of sour cream,.. for my health, you know. Huh? Cheese? You bet your ass. EXTRA cheese.” (Chipotle employee plops a handful of cheese on my burrito.) “Do you know who you\'re dealing with? I said EXTRA! Lots, motherfucker! LOTS!” (After three handfuls of cheese, I\'m sated-- but just barely.)
How do you say “fat, gluttonous gringo” in Spanish?
And don\'t even get me started on bacon. Sons-of-mah-bitches. My mom used to cook that shit up with pancakes-- damn. Pancakes smothered in butter and sweet maple syrup. Oh hell. I thought all that was GOOD for me! What the shit is going on here? No! I don’t want some steamed broccoli! If I\'m gonna eat broccoli, I want it drenched in glorious, melted cheese! And where\'s my bacon, dammit?
Whoa,.. why does my chest hurt? Fuck it. Butter up them pancakes and melt some cheese on my bacon burger. Oh, and save some for my fries. Yeah, fries. With cheese. Oooh, cheese,.. I love you, cheese. More than bacon? Hmmm,.. not to be coy, but,.. oh, okay, a little. Cheese, you are my favorite. You\'re not bad for me, no matter what the mean doctors say. You\'re my friend, cheese. Thank you, cheese.
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