admin
22 December 2023
In olden days, when a president wanted to bomb the bejesus out of another country, we stood by him. So what if that country was ill-equipped to counter our brutal attacks? We saw the murderous air strikes for what they were: a bolster to our economy.
And look at us now. Gas prices are high, unemployment is high, and WE must be HIGH NOT TO SUPPORT WAR!!!
But perhaps you don’t support war because you don’t understand all the reasons we NEED to go to war. So I’ll outline them for you:
1. TERRORISTS HATE FREEDOM – I know. I can’t believe it either. I almost swallowed my pacifier when I heard this. But it explains why they get married so many times. They’re suckers for shackles.
2. TERRORISTS HATE FREEDOM – It’s common practice in terror communities to place cute, cuddly puppies in large burlap bags, and beat the bags over rocks until the puppies are dead.
3. TERRORISTS HATE CHILDREN – It’s common practice in terror communities to place cute, cuddly children in large burlap bags, and beat the bags over rocks until the children are dead. Unless the kids are willing to carry firearms.
4. TERRORISTS HATE MAGILLA GORILLA – Granted, all that damn, dirty ape did was drain the finances of savvy entrepreneur Mr. Peebles, but Jesus-and-Mary-Chain! He’s a gorilla! That’s like saying you don’t like Mr. Furley.
5. THEREFORE, TERRORISTS HATE SAM THE BUTCHER – Because the guy who played him also did the voice of Magilla Gorilla.
And while there are 30 or so more reasons, I don’t feel that’s any of your business. As a journalist, the Bush administration grants me the power to alter the truth as I see fit, and hold back any and all pertinent info regarding your safety and well-being. Plus, there’s a sweet 20/20 Olsen Twins special on, and I just bought the biggest bottle of lotion you’ve ever seen.
And look at us now. Gas prices are high, unemployment is high, and WE must be HIGH NOT TO SUPPORT WAR!!!
But perhaps you don’t support war because you don’t understand all the reasons we NEED to go to war. So I’ll outline them for you:
1. TERRORISTS HATE FREEDOM – I know. I can’t believe it either. I almost swallowed my pacifier when I heard this. But it explains why they get married so many times. They’re suckers for shackles.
2. TERRORISTS HATE FREEDOM – It’s common practice in terror communities to place cute, cuddly puppies in large burlap bags, and beat the bags over rocks until the puppies are dead.
3. TERRORISTS HATE CHILDREN – It’s common practice in terror communities to place cute, cuddly children in large burlap bags, and beat the bags over rocks until the children are dead. Unless the kids are willing to carry firearms.
4. TERRORISTS HATE MAGILLA GORILLA – Granted, all that damn, dirty ape did was drain the finances of savvy entrepreneur Mr. Peebles, but Jesus-and-Mary-Chain! He’s a gorilla! That’s like saying you don’t like Mr. Furley.
5. THEREFORE, TERRORISTS HATE SAM THE BUTCHER – Because the guy who played him also did the voice of Magilla Gorilla.
And while there are 30 or so more reasons, I don’t feel that’s any of your business. As a journalist, the Bush administration grants me the power to alter the truth as I see fit, and hold back any and all pertinent info regarding your safety and well-being. Plus, there’s a sweet 20/20 Olsen Twins special on, and I just bought the biggest bottle of lotion you’ve ever seen.
artid
1181
Old Image
5_7_puppybag.jpg
issue
vol 5 - issue 07 (mar 2003)
section
stories