WEB EXCLUSIVE: YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME

It fills me with pain to have to write these words: I HATE HUMMERS. Don\'t get me wrong, kiddies. I\'m not talking about the mouth-on-unit kind of hummer. I\'m talking about the biggest, most excessive vehicle to ever be released to the streets. Who the fuck needs this thing? Okay, forget the fact that these things were designed for WARFARE. But how about what they are doing to the squirrels? Not that I\'m a tree hugger; I admit it, I\'ve littered, like Styrofoam, and even slept through Earth Day. But Jesus, what are these tanks doing to the environment? They\'re like three SUVs chained together-- sucking down every last drop of gas in the country. Have you ever been in front of one of these bitches at night? The headlights point straight to eye level. They caused my tastes like chicken window sticker to curl up like an old wanted poster. It\'s like having klieg lights burn a swastika into your soul. All I could think about was ramming my four-cylinder Mazda into the bastard as hard as I could. Yeah, like that would do a lot of good. The only way to get these fuckers off the road it to hit their owners where it hurts,.. their pride. At $50,000, only rich, fascist dickheads are buying these monsters. So spray paint the fuck out of them if you see \'em parked alongside the road. I don\'t normally condone illegal acts like vandalism, but a little prison time is a small price to pay to screw these jerks over. My tag of choice: a dead squirrel. Feel free to use my design or come up with your own. If these dicks are going to make our streets look like war zones, let\'s show them a little guerilla warfare.