...SOMETHING INSIDE CHANGES

The gaze is always the same, reflected back, unblinking-- turning to see the different angles of the decay. Questions crash against each other until they run together. I think of the past, of the ones I should have loved harder, never let go. The ones I think of when all is quiet. The late nights staring at the phone, wishing I had the guts to call. But I know it’s too late. It’s now another life, and I’m all but forgotten. Maybe it’s better that way. It could be if I could just forget, but I cannot. I don\'t know how much longer I can keep this mask in place, pretending that it\'s all okay. This is the path I chose for myself. A life without easy answers, one where the destination is not as important as the path I take to get there. Whether conscious or not, somewhere down the line I knew that the life everyone else wanted was not the same as mine. I don\'t want the picket fence. I want this-- this moment of self-doubt that comes just before sleep. This moment where the lessons I\'ve learned pile on top of each other until something inside changes. I go to sleep with the name of the woman who should be my wife on my lips, cursing this path that took me far away from her. But when I wake up everything will be fine once again, and I will be stronger than this moment. The mask slips down, and I see that the person underneath is getting closer and closer to what I\'ve always imagined he could be. Closer moment by moment.