admin
22 December 2023
Mike Myers announced recently that, in cooperation with DreamWorks studios, he plans to revolutionize the motion picture business. He wants to take various classic movies, edit them together, and make entirely new films. Mike calls it “movie sampling.” He went as far as to say he wanted to become the Puff Daddy of movies. Well, isn’t that the best idea ever? Apparently, the concept of merely copying an idea has now been deemed too much effort. Hell, why would you want to even attempt to create an original idea when you could just butcher a few classic pictures together with some of Myers\' own projects? That idea is just gangbusters! Unfortunately, Myers hasn\'t yet announced which movies he has purchased for this hatchet job, so I will just have to hypothesize the inevitable outcome.
I see it going something like this: It would begin with one of my favorite movies: Pulp Fiction; in particular, the scene where Jules and Vincent encounter the thieves of Marsellus Wallace\'s secret briefcase. The scene would play out as first created. Jules would interrogate Brett while he ate the Big Kahuna Burger. He would give his execution speech and then kill Brett for his infraction against Big Man. At this point, Austin Powers would burst out of the bathroom and surprise Jules and Vincent, carrying a Swedish-made penis pump. After exclaiming, \"This isn\'t my bag, baby,\" Goldmember would bust through the door with Fat Bastard and grab the briefcase. After opening it to reveal his golden schlonger inside, he would exclaim, \"At last! I have found my golden winky!\" He would then comment that Jules’ body was \"Toight like a toiger.\" Jules would then whip out his purple lightsaber and decapitate Goldmember for the sexual pass, and Fat Bastard for finishing his burger. Now we would cut to a quick scene of Indiana Jones running from the giant boulder. Indiana would, of course, be replaced by Austin Powers, who is still clinging on to his penis pump, yelling, \"Really, baby! This isn\'t my bag!\" To maximize the comic effect, the boulder would be replaced with Mini Me crying, \"Eeeeeeee, Eeeeeeeee,\" as he rolled along. One last cut would place us in an asylum on the set of One Flew Over the Cuckoo\'s Nest. Nurse Ratched enters the room and, after seeing the aftermath of the patients’ party, begins to scold them severely. At this point, Austin Powers bursts into the room screaming, \"She\'s a man, baby!\" He tears off her disguise to reveal Burt Bacharach, who decides to play a nice ditty on his piano. At this point, Chief whips out a pipe and boisterously shouts, \"Now we smokem peace pipe!\" As everyone gets high on opium, Billy Bibbit runs around the corner. Except now he is replaced by one of actor Brad Dourif\'s other characters-- the gas station attendant from Urban Legend-- for absolutely no reason. After he stutters at the top of his lungs, \"There\'s a ma-ma-man with an axe in the backseat,” Jules decapitates him with his purple lightsaber and everyone laughs. Followed by Jack Nicholson shouting, \"Never rub another man\'s rhubarb!\"
Actually, now that I think about it, that sounds pretty damn good. I can\'t wait to buy tickets.
I see it going something like this: It would begin with one of my favorite movies: Pulp Fiction; in particular, the scene where Jules and Vincent encounter the thieves of Marsellus Wallace\'s secret briefcase. The scene would play out as first created. Jules would interrogate Brett while he ate the Big Kahuna Burger. He would give his execution speech and then kill Brett for his infraction against Big Man. At this point, Austin Powers would burst out of the bathroom and surprise Jules and Vincent, carrying a Swedish-made penis pump. After exclaiming, \"This isn\'t my bag, baby,\" Goldmember would bust through the door with Fat Bastard and grab the briefcase. After opening it to reveal his golden schlonger inside, he would exclaim, \"At last! I have found my golden winky!\" He would then comment that Jules’ body was \"Toight like a toiger.\" Jules would then whip out his purple lightsaber and decapitate Goldmember for the sexual pass, and Fat Bastard for finishing his burger. Now we would cut to a quick scene of Indiana Jones running from the giant boulder. Indiana would, of course, be replaced by Austin Powers, who is still clinging on to his penis pump, yelling, \"Really, baby! This isn\'t my bag!\" To maximize the comic effect, the boulder would be replaced with Mini Me crying, \"Eeeeeeee, Eeeeeeeee,\" as he rolled along. One last cut would place us in an asylum on the set of One Flew Over the Cuckoo\'s Nest. Nurse Ratched enters the room and, after seeing the aftermath of the patients’ party, begins to scold them severely. At this point, Austin Powers bursts into the room screaming, \"She\'s a man, baby!\" He tears off her disguise to reveal Burt Bacharach, who decides to play a nice ditty on his piano. At this point, Chief whips out a pipe and boisterously shouts, \"Now we smokem peace pipe!\" As everyone gets high on opium, Billy Bibbit runs around the corner. Except now he is replaced by one of actor Brad Dourif\'s other characters-- the gas station attendant from Urban Legend-- for absolutely no reason. After he stutters at the top of his lungs, \"There\'s a ma-ma-man with an axe in the backseat,” Jules decapitates him with his purple lightsaber and everyone laughs. Followed by Jack Nicholson shouting, \"Never rub another man\'s rhubarb!\"
Actually, now that I think about it, that sounds pretty damn good. I can\'t wait to buy tickets.
artid
1268
Old Image
5_8_myers.jpg
issue
vol 5 - issue 08 (apr 2003)
section
entertainmental