WHO IN THE HELL IS CHARLIE? AND WHAT'S HE DOING IN MY GRANDPA'S BUSH?

Like, the first time I heard Grandpa talk about \"Charlie\" was this year at Easter. The whole family was at my Grandma Betty\'s place because she\'s got, like, a bear-skin couch. And anyway, so I dropped a pan of yams on the kitchen floor, and when it hit, Grandpa grabbed a carrot, jumped over the counter, and just layed there, yelling for us all to, \"HIT THE DECK! CHARLIE\'S IN THE BUSH!\" And when my dad tried to pick him up, Grandpa went all Mariah Carey on him, and stabbed Dad with the carrot. Easter blows! Then, last weekend, Grandpa had to stay at our house because Grandma was going in for eyebrow surgery, and he can\'t be home alone. so, like, he slept over at our place.
But, yeah, in the middle of the night, I woke up and he was standing over my bed with a planting pot on his head. And I was thinking, \"Oh my god! this is so Slipknot and shit! Didn\'t I see this in American Pie? That\'s still, like, my favorite movie. It\'s just so real. Is that my curling iron? I wonder what Brittany\'s gonna wear to third period tomorrow. That bitch is always biting my style. She\'s such a fucking poseur. God, math sucks.\" But yeah, then Grandpa\'s just like, \"Charlie\'s in the bush, but Charlie don\'t surf!\" Then he walked out, and I was too scared to go back to sleep. I wasn\'t really Halloween: Resurrection scared. I mean, Busta Rhymes is sooo hot and, like, black! And Chow Yun-Fat is cute like a turtle, but Germans are so last year, ya know? I asked my dad about “Charlie”, and he says it\'s got something to do with the war. I know that can\'t be right, because nobody in Iraq is called “Charlie”. Muslims are all named Mohammed or Farrakhan or Chewbacca.
My best friend, Josie, thought \"Charlie\" might be Charlie Brown. But that\'s stupid! Grandpa\'s front yard isn\'t a pumpkin patch. Besides, Halloween isn\'t until, like, March. Josie\'s such a dumb whore! And Grandma Betty told me that Grandpa freaks out because he had such a rough time in \"Nom\". But, He-ll-o! \"Nom\" isn\'t even a real word! It\'s like a Star Trek word, or Mexican for \"hat\" or something. Like, I swear to God,.. sometimes I think everyone\'s retarded but me!