MAN'S LIFELONG STRUGGLE CONTINUES TO INSPIRE NO ONE

PEORIA, IL - Todd Dexter (31) has spent his entire adult life trapped in the room of his childhood home; the result of a tragic accident and an iron-clad will. At age 13 the heavy metal enthusiast “fell asleep” at his desk, where he had been “working on a model airplane.” Unfortunately, when Dexter awoke he found that his rebellious locks had been glued to the desk.
“I was, like, totally rocking to “Still Hungry”, and,.. umm,.. working on my model or something, when the next thing I knew it was morning, and this thing was, like, totally gnarly and stuff,” said Dexter.
When faced with the thought of cutting his hair, Dexter remained steadfast and decided that nothing would deter his anti-establishment stance.
“Man, if Dee Snider says, ‘I Wanna Rock’, that means something or something. It’s like that guy who did that thing, and people thought he couldn’t do it, and he died and stuff. Man, he believed in himself, and had to do that thing he did so that he could stick it to the man.”
Although Dexter’s parents could not be found, the new owners of the home, Glenn and Harriet Simione, remained somewhat supportive of Dexter.
“When the realtor showed us this place we were skeptical at first,” said Glenn Simione. “But we talked to Todd a few times, and realized that, deep down, we all have a little Todd inside of us just screaming to be heard.”
“I love Todd like my own son, but, Christ, I wish my husband and that idiot would grow up,” said Harriet Simione. “If anything, I’m just thankful that Todd’s hair is finally long enough to allow him to reach the restroom across the hall.”