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22 December 2023
WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month Frank wrote to CHER.
Dear Cher,
I just want you to know how deeply saddened I was to discover that your current tour will be your last. On behalf of talentless drag queens with abhorrent fashion sense everywhere, I want you to know that you will be missed.
I remember the first time I became aware of your musical legacy. I was 12 years old and had been dressing up in my mommy\'s leather garter belts, when I saw a movie that changed my life: Troll, starring your late ex-husband, Sonny Bono. As you may recall, Sonny was turned into a giant turd by the film\'s evil protagonist. I immediately asked my mom who that poor man was. She replied, \"Oh, that\'s Cher\'s ex.\" Who was this mysterious “Cher”? How fabulous must she be to shun a man who transforms into a steaming pile of crap? I decided I must find out.
Within weeks, I had every album you ever recorded. I began collecting gaudy, multi-colored wigs, obnoxious outfits, and started calling everyone \"bitches\". I admired the fact that you have no discernable singing talent whatsoever, and quickly began writing my own horrible songs that spouted inane, love-smitten platitudes. I realized that it\'s not about the music; it\'s about the Botox, plastic surgery, and rhinestone ringmaster outfits.
Since I couldn\'t get aboard an actual naval carrier, I took my show on the road, and performed my homage to “If I Could Turn Back Time” at the local National Guard base. Wearing only a platinum blonde wig, cherry licorice Speedo, and studded leather jacket, I was savagely beaten by an entire battalion of weekend warriors, presumably because they envied my keen fashion sense. I was crestfallen at first, but I figured if you could survive Tea with Mussolini and a marriage to that icky, dirty biker man from The Allman Brothers, then I could go on, too. After dedicating my life to pretending to be you, I am now proud to say that I am the #1 drag queen/transgender prostitute in the greater Tulsa, Oklahoma area. Thank you, Cher! You\'re an inspiration to us all!
Fabulously yours,
Frank Putzerelli
DO YOU KNOW A PERSON OR COMPANY THAT YOU THINK FRANK SHOULD WRITE TO? IF SO, EMAIL HIM AT FRANK@TLCHICKEN.COM
This month Frank wrote to CHER.
Dear Cher,
I just want you to know how deeply saddened I was to discover that your current tour will be your last. On behalf of talentless drag queens with abhorrent fashion sense everywhere, I want you to know that you will be missed.
I remember the first time I became aware of your musical legacy. I was 12 years old and had been dressing up in my mommy\'s leather garter belts, when I saw a movie that changed my life: Troll, starring your late ex-husband, Sonny Bono. As you may recall, Sonny was turned into a giant turd by the film\'s evil protagonist. I immediately asked my mom who that poor man was. She replied, \"Oh, that\'s Cher\'s ex.\" Who was this mysterious “Cher”? How fabulous must she be to shun a man who transforms into a steaming pile of crap? I decided I must find out.
Within weeks, I had every album you ever recorded. I began collecting gaudy, multi-colored wigs, obnoxious outfits, and started calling everyone \"bitches\". I admired the fact that you have no discernable singing talent whatsoever, and quickly began writing my own horrible songs that spouted inane, love-smitten platitudes. I realized that it\'s not about the music; it\'s about the Botox, plastic surgery, and rhinestone ringmaster outfits.
Since I couldn\'t get aboard an actual naval carrier, I took my show on the road, and performed my homage to “If I Could Turn Back Time” at the local National Guard base. Wearing only a platinum blonde wig, cherry licorice Speedo, and studded leather jacket, I was savagely beaten by an entire battalion of weekend warriors, presumably because they envied my keen fashion sense. I was crestfallen at first, but I figured if you could survive Tea with Mussolini and a marriage to that icky, dirty biker man from The Allman Brothers, then I could go on, too. After dedicating my life to pretending to be you, I am now proud to say that I am the #1 drag queen/transgender prostitute in the greater Tulsa, Oklahoma area. Thank you, Cher! You\'re an inspiration to us all!
Fabulously yours,
Frank Putzerelli
DO YOU KNOW A PERSON OR COMPANY THAT YOU THINK FRANK SHOULD WRITE TO? IF SO, EMAIL HIM AT FRANK@TLCHICKEN.COM
artid
1309
Old Image
5_9_putz.jpg
issue
vol 5 - issue 09 (may 2003)
section
stories