WHAT NUTS? DEEZ NUTS!

On yet another jaunt through the piss-soaked, schizo-infested halls of the Cleveland Greyhound bus station, I found myself shrouded in one of Earth’s great conundrums. Refusing to spend money on an overpriced cafeteria hamburger, I opted instead to spend $1.89 on a 21/4 ounce bag of GrandMa’s Homestyle Vanilla Cookies. And let me tell you, I wasn’t disappointed with the savings, not to mention the rich flavor. It truly was as if someone’s gnarled, crusty grandmother had gone to work and made that bag of arid wafers and cream-paste especially for me. Curious as to how much love and industrial waste had gone into this delightful treat, I flipped the package over and perused the ingredients listing. All my favorites were there, from “unbleached wheat flour” to “riboflavin”. However, the end of the list presented me with the mystery of ages. Just after “corn syrup solids” (a stoic must in any baked good) I was baffled to find the closing item: “peanuts.” I nearly swallowed my tongue from the shock. “Peanuts? Where the fuck are peanuts in all this?” I blurted out. Surely, I would have noticed the soothing taste of PEANUTS in my VANILLA COOKIES! I mean, they’re only the second best food brought to this country by French immigrants (the first being steak fajitas). So how could I not have sensed them in my cookies? This riddle has haunted me for weeks. Sometimes I figure I’ve been made privy to a secret plot by the enigmatic “GrandMa” to topple our nation’s infallible government. In more sober moments, I simply think I’ve been taken for another $1.89 by those nefarious bastards at Frito-Lay.