WHY I DIDN'T WRITE A PEN & THINK THIS MONTH

Hey, Neo. Sorry, man. I know I said I was gonna break my humor-only mold and scribble you up a sweet Pen & Think, but it was crazy, man. See, I was out washing my tricycle a few days ago, when this creepy white van pulls up. Out jump some Russians. They’re all like, “Give us de Pen and Tink, or your little Misha will suffer.” So I’m all like, “Misha who?” Then the ugliest one pulls out some weird pistol that looks like a Swingline stapler and says, “Do as the mustachioed lady say.” So, with my right hand, I reach over and grab the notebook, as if I’m going to hand it to them. With my left, I grab my solid steel Thermos. I was thirsty. Just as I was about to hand them the notebook (because Russians are scary, and will inject you with Communist poverty), two venomous pterodactyls flew out of the sky wearing Bobby Rahal jerseys, and snatched up two of the Russians. The other Russians began screaming in some weird language. The big, ugly one with the stapler-gun grabbed me, threw me in the van, and the lot of us went chasing after the pterodactyls. So, that happened for, like, an hour. Then the Russians realized their van couldn\'t fly. I told them I could get their dumb friends back, if they promised to leave me my Pen & Think. They agreed. Then they ate a potato and drank some vodka. I used my Vinnie 3000 radio watchkie-talkie, and radioed Mr. Beez, my flying elephant. “We got a problem, Mr. Beez,” I said. “I’m on my way,” he said. And he was. Got there pretty fast. I hopped on, and we chased those fucking ‘dactyls like there was an episode of King of Queens on in ten minutes that we just could not miss! Mr. Beez flew at them, and delivered a mighty oops upside their heads. I chugged a High Life, and watched the super-strength flow through me. Then I reached out and grabbed the Russians (who peed themselves), returning them to the safety of their little terrorist friends. Hugs were exchanged, hands were shaken, then they shot Mr. Beez. And pistol-whipped me unconscious. And took my notebook. So, yeah. I don’t have a Pen & Think this month.