EDDIE BOURBON, NINJA TO THE STARS

Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars was instructing his pupils (including one on the WB\'s Gilmore Girls) when his cell phone rang.
\"What the shit is that?\" he exclaimed, not used to technology.
\"It\'s comin\' from your pocket, sensei,\" the Gilmore Girl explained.
Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars pondered this.
\"Master,\" said the Gilmore Girl, interrupting his pondering, \"ain\'t cha\' gonna pick it up?\"
The hillbilly had a point. (She hides her accent on the show.)
Eddie flipped the cell phone out of his pocket.
\"Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars.\"
\"Wassup, girlfriend?\" came a deep voice.
\"Vin, what\'s the dilly-yo?\" Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars knew that a recent A-Lister like Vin Diesel calling him was important. He turned to his students. \"Class dismissed.\"
As they left, Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars turned his attention back to the XXX star.
\"Listen, hon\',\" Vin said in his deep-yet-feminine off-screen voice. \"Me and the boys are goin\' clubbin\' tonight-- \"
\"Sounds fun,\" Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars, who’s a dead ringer for Robert Loggia, interjected.
\"Yeah. But this guy’s been threatenin\' me-- \"
\"Say no more, chica,\" Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars assured him. \"When and where?\"
\"We’re meeting-- urk!\" Suddenly Vin was cut off.
\"Vin?!?\" Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars yelled into the phone.
A laugh replaced Vin’s girlie bass. His laugh.
\"Hello, Edward.\"
Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars grimaced. \"What are you doing, Judo-Chop McGee?\"
Judo-Chop McGee was once a classmate of Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars. He was second only to Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars, but the ninja’s goal of invisibility was too low-key for Judo-Chop McGee. Trading his ninja jammies for a suit, Judo-Chop McGee went into the bad guy business, becoming Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars\' arch-nemesis.
\"Edward,\" Judo-Chop sighed, \"little Vin will die if you do not meet me at--\"
\"I know where,\" Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars grimaced.
Judo-Chop confusedly asked, \"How?\"
Then Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars stopped, realizing he\'d jumped the gun. \"Uh, where’d you want to meet, jackass?\"
Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars made it to the conveniently abandoned warehouse in remarkable time. Impossibly quiet, Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars slipped in a skylight, and crouched undetected in the rafters.
He heard Vin\'s voice. \"Who are you?\"
Flashy as ever, Judo-Chop struck a pose.
\"Judo-Chop McGee, and these big fellas are my Funk Squad.\"
Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars rolled his eyes.
Judo-Chop hovered over Vin, who was tied to a chair, crying like a baby.
\"What do you want from me?\"
Judo-Chop smiled. \"You are merely bait.\"
Judo-Chop\'s goons had the floor covered, but Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars was safe in the rafters as he developed a plan.
Suddenly, \"Ode to Joy\" bleeped from Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars\' ninja jammies!
Judo-Chop looked up. \"Edward!\"
Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars swore. \"Duckbutter.\" He leapt from the rafters.
The cell phone was still ringing.
Judo-Chop asked, \"Are you going to answer?\"
Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars shrugged.
As soon as he picked it up, Judo-Chop motioned for his goons to attack! Expertly dodging their advances, Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars spoke into the phone, \"Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars. I\'m kind of-- \" He paused to kick, taking out three goons with minimum effort. \"--busy. Can I call you back, Stallone?\" He karate chopped a goon in the neck, and poked another in a disabling pressure point with his right big toe. \"Bye.\"
Judo-Chop clapped slowly. \"Well played, Edward. But can,.. you,.. take,.. the,.. judo-chop??\"
He ripped off his shirt, and screamed in a pale Bruce Lee imitation, and leapt at Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars.
Vin shouted, \"Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars, watch out!\"
Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars waved him to calm down, then leaped himself, on a collision course with Judo-Chop.
Vin unclenched his eyes. He could see no one.
\"Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars?!?\" he cried.
\"Behind you, chica,\" Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars said, untying Vin.
\"Thanks,\" Vin sighed. \"Wait-- where\'s Judo-Chop McGee?\"
Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars pointed to the ceiling. Judo-Chop\'s legs were dangling out of it like,.. two legs dangling from a ceiling.
\"Damn,\" Vin breathed.
\"Yep,\" said Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars. \"Kicked his ass.\"
They laughed heartily.
\"Thanks again,\" Vin said. \"Wanna go clubbin\'?\"
Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars smiled, \"Thought you\'d never ask!\"