admin
22 December 2023
Quick! Internet mail order brides: legal or illegal?
Regardless, I got me one. It\'s a lot easier than dating and falling in love. Yep, as soon as the UPS man delivered that big cardboard box with the carefully placed air holes, I knew I was not only signing his clipboard to confirm I\'d received the package, but I was also signing away loneliness.
Eagerly, I pulled the box inside my living room and waved away the brown-shorts-wearing UPS man.
A murmur came from inside the box. I shook it gently.
\"Hold on, honey,\" I said, ripping open the package.
Out jumped Xuxu (pronounced \"Kataka\"), my lovely new bride! Gasping for air and stretching there before me in her seductive burlap pants and matching blouse, Xuxu was a vision of beauty. The lovely lil\' Thailand native greeted me with a wary smile, not sure what to make of her new big-boned American husband.
I greeted her with, \"Welcome to the land of the free!\" Then I shoved her away from the door and lock it when she tried to run.
She looked at me confusedly, mumbling some baby talk like, \"Muck, chow, muck,\" or some shit. I discovered this was because she couldn\'t speak a lick of American. I almost sent her back right then and there! But when I looked into her big brown eyes, I ended up making her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead. I asked her if she wanted white or wheat bread. Big mistake.
\"Muckety, moop, zap, zing!\"
Whatever. I went with wheat. At first she was frightened by the simple little sandwich before her, hovering over it like it might jump off her plate.
\"Eat the sammach, skinny!\" I shouted, not knowing what else to do for the malnourished, burlap-clad beauty.
It didn\'t help. She started crying.
After dinner it was time to introduce Xuxu (or \"Sushi Sue\" as I\'d taken to calling her) to soap and water. After a couple of showers, she was almost presentable. I lent her a pair of sweats, and an \"I\'m too sexy for this shirt!\" t-shirt while her burlap ensemble was in the washer.
My roommate came home soon after. Needless to say, but I\'ll say it anyway, he was very surprised to meet my new lil\' lady. But Sushi Sue won him over
with her nervous smile and laid back look of confusion.
Now Sushi Sue\'s settled in quite well. When I\'m at work, she spends her day watching soaps and playing with my roommate\'s dog, Brodie. When I get home we eat cereal, play video games, and arm wrestle. She quite likes the Superman sleeping bag I\'ve lent her. Why, she even lets me give her a
goodnight kiss on the cheek before she turns out the lights and settles on my bedroom floor!
Ah,.. so this is what love is like.
Regardless, I got me one. It\'s a lot easier than dating and falling in love. Yep, as soon as the UPS man delivered that big cardboard box with the carefully placed air holes, I knew I was not only signing his clipboard to confirm I\'d received the package, but I was also signing away loneliness.
Eagerly, I pulled the box inside my living room and waved away the brown-shorts-wearing UPS man.
A murmur came from inside the box. I shook it gently.
\"Hold on, honey,\" I said, ripping open the package.
Out jumped Xuxu (pronounced \"Kataka\"), my lovely new bride! Gasping for air and stretching there before me in her seductive burlap pants and matching blouse, Xuxu was a vision of beauty. The lovely lil\' Thailand native greeted me with a wary smile, not sure what to make of her new big-boned American husband.
I greeted her with, \"Welcome to the land of the free!\" Then I shoved her away from the door and lock it when she tried to run.
She looked at me confusedly, mumbling some baby talk like, \"Muck, chow, muck,\" or some shit. I discovered this was because she couldn\'t speak a lick of American. I almost sent her back right then and there! But when I looked into her big brown eyes, I ended up making her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead. I asked her if she wanted white or wheat bread. Big mistake.
\"Muckety, moop, zap, zing!\"
Whatever. I went with wheat. At first she was frightened by the simple little sandwich before her, hovering over it like it might jump off her plate.
\"Eat the sammach, skinny!\" I shouted, not knowing what else to do for the malnourished, burlap-clad beauty.
It didn\'t help. She started crying.
After dinner it was time to introduce Xuxu (or \"Sushi Sue\" as I\'d taken to calling her) to soap and water. After a couple of showers, she was almost presentable. I lent her a pair of sweats, and an \"I\'m too sexy for this shirt!\" t-shirt while her burlap ensemble was in the washer.
My roommate came home soon after. Needless to say, but I\'ll say it anyway, he was very surprised to meet my new lil\' lady. But Sushi Sue won him over
with her nervous smile and laid back look of confusion.
Now Sushi Sue\'s settled in quite well. When I\'m at work, she spends her day watching soaps and playing with my roommate\'s dog, Brodie. When I get home we eat cereal, play video games, and arm wrestle. She quite likes the Superman sleeping bag I\'ve lent her. Why, she even lets me give her a
goodnight kiss on the cheek before she turns out the lights and settles on my bedroom floor!
Ah,.. so this is what love is like.
artid
1346
Old Image
5_9_mailorder.jpg
issue
vol 5 - issue 09 (may 2003)
section
stories