WEB EXCLUSIVE: BRUCE ALMIGHTY

I went to see the new Jim Carey movie, Bruce Almighty, this week, and you\'ll never believe who was sitting next to me in the theater: God. No shit,.. it was God. He asked me how I liked the movie. I told him it was good. He then asked what I would do if he were to give me all his powers? At first, I didn\'t know what to say. But soon after, I had a few ideas. First thing\'s first, no more reality television. I don\'t know about you, but I don\'t turn on the TV to see reality. I have enough reality in reality. I don\'t need it on my TV as well. The only reality television I want to see is Shipmates, Blind Date, and The 5th Wheel. Those shows can stay. While I\'m on the subject, let\'s put a quick end to reality feature films as well. Leave it to MTV to do to movies what they did to their music network. Make that networks. The only people to give themselves a second chance, and end up blowing it faster than the first time. As the new God, I promise there will not ever be an MTV 3. Next on the list, movie ticket prices will go back to an affordable price. People will no longer have to take out a small loan just to see a movie. Movie tickets can now cost up to $12. Do these people realize that if they would just wait four months they could buy that same movie on DVD for $2.00 more? And they can watch it as many times as they want! It\'s insane! I\'d also make it so that when you stand in any line, the couple in front of or behind you cannot make out the whole time. Has this ever happened to you? Where a couple is making out to the point that they\'re one step away from penetration? As if standing in a line for two hours wasn\'t bad enough, now you have to watch these two conceive. I turned to God,.. but he was gone. You know, now that I think about it, I do live in Hollywood. Maybe it wasn\'t God that was sitting next to me. Come to think of it, I think it was Morgan Freeman.