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22 December 2023
TODAY'S LESSON: BAD GUYS
In the eternal pursuit of knowledge, scholars have dredged the depths of every known text to find the answers to man’s greatest questions. Little did they know that the solution to all of philosophy’s pondering could be found at their local video store.
1. Bad guys can stand motionless for hours, just waiting for a flash of lightning to reveal their presence in your bedroom.
2. Final showdowns with bad guys always happen at the edge of a cliff, rooftop, tall flight of stairs, or near machinery that seems to have no purpose other than to crush things.
3. Bad guys would probably win if they spent as much time doing crimes as they spend getting fancy outfits for henchmen, painting their faces on the getaway vehicles, and devising large, complicated death traps for the hero.
4. When the bad guy is killed, and the hero and girlfriend/minority sidekick walk away, the bad guy is allowed to come back from the dead at least once for a final "gotcha"! (Just like Jesus.)
5. Bad guys are like 14-year-old girls-- they just can't shut up about their plans for the weekend.
6. The bad guy always has a henchman who has some kind of fancy way of killing people, like an atomic wedgie or a weapon made by Nerf.
7. Severe burns or facial scars allow bad guys to wear a funny mask and seek revenge.
8. Albinos are always evil-- it's just another example of the white man trying to keep the really, really white man down.
In the eternal pursuit of knowledge, scholars have dredged the depths of every known text to find the answers to man’s greatest questions. Little did they know that the solution to all of philosophy’s pondering could be found at their local video store.
1. Bad guys can stand motionless for hours, just waiting for a flash of lightning to reveal their presence in your bedroom.
2. Final showdowns with bad guys always happen at the edge of a cliff, rooftop, tall flight of stairs, or near machinery that seems to have no purpose other than to crush things.
3. Bad guys would probably win if they spent as much time doing crimes as they spend getting fancy outfits for henchmen, painting their faces on the getaway vehicles, and devising large, complicated death traps for the hero.
4. When the bad guy is killed, and the hero and girlfriend/minority sidekick walk away, the bad guy is allowed to come back from the dead at least once for a final "gotcha"! (Just like Jesus.)
5. Bad guys are like 14-year-old girls-- they just can't shut up about their plans for the weekend.
6. The bad guy always has a henchman who has some kind of fancy way of killing people, like an atomic wedgie or a weapon made by Nerf.
7. Severe burns or facial scars allow bad guys to wear a funny mask and seek revenge.
8. Albinos are always evil-- it's just another example of the white man trying to keep the really, really white man down.
artid
1390
Old Image
5_10_everything.jpg
issue
vol 5 - issue 10 (jun 2003)
section
stories