FRANKLIN FURTER'S MATTERS OF THE HEART

Franklin,
Sometimes, during intercourse, my girlfriend’s vagina makes loud and strange noises, sort of like a fart. It sounds kinda like \"ssslhp, whohhp\" to me. Is this normal? What should I do?
Concerned In Detroit,
Ken Lyango
Ken,
Let me fill you in on a little secret. Sometimes your girlfriend defecates, belches, and, yes, believe it or not, sometimes she even passes gas. She is more than a cornucopia of orifices for your pleasure; she is a human being, like you or me. Well, at least me, for sure. Ken, as amazing as this may sound, these are normal human processes. The \"problem\" you are talking about isn’t even a normal biological process. It is simply a matter of elementary physics. In other words, a second grader, when posed with a similar equation, would be able to comprehend this. Christ. Why do you even care? At least you are having sex with someone other than yourself. I wish I had your problems. Hell, I would be happy with a girlfriend whose vagina sounded like Gilbert Gottfried trying to sell me life insurance. And I would have tantric sex for two hours without even flinching, when he tried to sweeten the deal by throwing in a free bagel slicer for me and each of my benefactors. Ken, you should only be sleeping with someone you care about deeply. If something as trivial as this concerns you, then you shouldn’t be posing as someone ready to have a real relationship.
Franklin
Franklin,
Son, I am worried about you. When are you going to move out of your apartment and get a nice little house? You should have a nice wife and child by now. What are you doing with your time? You should be trying to meet a nice young lady. Why do you have to be so reserved and shy? Are you a homosexual? If you are, that is alright. You know your father and I will still love you. We just want you to be happy.
Love,
Susan Furter
Mom,
Why can’t you just call me like normal mothers do? You know I have to answer all the letters I receive. I told you before, I consider myself a modern man. The last thing I am concerned about is a wife or a house. I need to establish myself, before I would ask anyone to share my life with me. I am not sure when that will be, but I am sure it is a very long ways off. Tell dad that just because someone runs like a girl, doesn’t mean they would like to have anal intercourse with another man. Although, it does make it a bit more difficult to have anal intercourse with a woman. What the hell am I talking about? Okay, I admit I do need to find a nice lady. But I’d rather wait until I find a nice lady who is funny, smart, well-read, likes to play outside like a kid, is pretty, smells good, drinks beer, likes the theatre, likes,.. wait, okay, so maybe I am being too picky. Mom, you are interrupting my important work. This column isn’t supposed to be about me; I am supposed to be helping others. I’ll see you at Thanksgiving. Give everyone my best.
Franklin
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