THE VAN DER BEEK LETTERS

Here is my correspondence with former Dawson's Creek star and fellow heartthrob, James Van Der Beek, from March of 1999 to January of 2000.
March 5, 1999
Dear Mr. Van Der Beek,
I'm D.J. Kirkbride, your biggest fan. It's not that I like you more than anyone else (though I enjoy your work). Nay, I am literally your BIGGEST fan, as most teenage girls are not 6'4" and some 200 pounds. (Editor's note: D.J. now weighs 245 pounds.)
Anyway, what's with the three last names?
Sincerely,
D.J. Kirkbride
Eight weeks later, I received an autographed photo of James in a pensive, thoughtful pose. I like to imagine he was thinking of me when the photo was taken, but that's impossible, as his haircut in the photograph was clearly from season two of Dawson's Creek, which was way before I wrote him.
April 27, 1999
Hey James!
I got the picture. Yeah, it was cute and all, but not very personal. Let's just be real, yo. Be the "real" James, not "guarded superstar" James. Let's forego all of the TV star/fan rhetoric, and get to the brass tacks here.
A.) Who do you think is your prettier co-star: Katie Holmes or Michelle Williams? (I believe it's Katie, of course. But don't let me influence your answer.)
2.) Have you done either of them?
Spiritually I remain,
D.J.
After waiting four months and getting no response, I figured James preferred Katie, but had done Michelle because Katie's a pure, Heaven-sent angel saving herself for me, as I am myself for her.
September 12, 1999
Mr. Van Der Beek,
I suggest that you start treating your fans a little BETTER! I'll give you one more chance. Write me a letter with three questions you'd like me to answer about myself. They can be personal, but please try to keep your mind out of the gutter. Have some tact. We all have boundaries.
Also of note: I have enclosed an 8x10 glossy of myself with a brief, personal message written on the front, complete with an autograph in an ink that I don't think will smudge too badly. I know I'm not as handsome as you; few are. But my mom assures me that I'm "not bad" (her words, not mine).
D.J. Kirkbride
PS: Stay away from Katie.
PPS: Or else.
This letter got a response, though not from James, but his lawyers.
Mr. Kirkbride,
Any more threats made toward our client, Mr. Van Der Beek, will be met with swift legal action.
Jack & Ass, Attorneys at Law
They had gotten to James. He knew I was just kidding with that "or else" crack. This was a case of the fuckin' lawyers butting their dumbass heads where they don't belong. I had to make sure James and I were still cool.
December 11, 1999
Dear James,
Hey, J.V.D.B.! What's up? I hope you're not upset about my razzin' ya' about Katie and all. I know you wouldn't screw around with my soul mate. Are we cool? I mean,.. are we still friends? I need to know, J.V.D.B., because your friendship is very important to me. You've helped me get through some rough times, my man, and I know I've always been there for you. We're as close as two heterosexual males can be without ever having bathed together as children.
What we have is special. Let's not throw it away.
Your life partner,
Deej
Much to my chagrin, James didn't reply. AGAIN. After a bout with alcoholism and severe depression brought on me by this hurtful and flagrant neglect from someone with whom I mistakenly thought I shared something special, I finally decided to give James one more one last chance.
January 4, 2000
Dearest James,
As civilization crumbles around us, I can only pray that the noble pigeon to which I have attached this letter gets it to you and finds you in good health. Fuck, dude, I didn't realize how much I relied on simple things like electricity and Internet porn.
Are you doin' okay? Seriously, you don't have to be a brave lil' soldier for me. I have some canned goods. Do you like corn? Peas? If I find a pigeon strong enough, I'll send you a care package.
Love,
D.J.
It is now three years later, and I've yet to hear from James Van Der Beek. But I shan't give up hope.