FRANKLIN FURTER'S MATTERS OF THE HEART

Franklin,
We sure have been having some nice weather out here. How has your weather been? Last week my boss was playing golf, and he got two birdies! Can you believe it? Well, in case you didn’t know it, I just got promoted to head shipping and receiving clerk out here at the Wrigley's plant. I guess all that work has paid off, huh? Well, I was reading this book the other day, and there was the funniest story in it. I wish I could remember it. I bet you would like it; you seem to like funny stuff and stuff. Do you like baseball? I love it. It really is America’s pastime. Oh, well. I guess that’s all I wanted to say. It’s not like I had any "problem" or anything. I just wanted to see how it was going. I just thought of the funniest thing. This,.. um,.. lady, or, I mean, this guy I know, this friend of mine, he told me the,... I mean, he asked me the funniest question the other day. He was like, "Hey, Mike. How much is too much when it comes to pleasuring yourself? Um,.. of course, I didn’t understand him or something. I think he was talking about boating or something. Yeah. I think he was talking about boating, since I like boating so much; I consider it to be one of my pleasures. I really didn’t know what he was talking about. Oh my, look at the time! I guess I’d better go now. I have to go boating,.. I mean, I have to be heading off to work or something.
(This letter was not signed, nor did it have a return address. But I think the writer’s name was Mike.)
Mike,
Hmmm,.. I like boating as well; it sure is a good pastime. I don’t know if a fellow can go boating too much. And why shouldn’t a single young man go boating? I mean, I usually go boating when I wake up in the morning before work, and I usually go boating again before bed. I say you should go boating whenever you feel like it. If you start missing work or falling behind on commitments, then you should probably go boating less. Or if a nice young woman is coming over and she might like to go boating, you might not feel like going boating again, and that might be kind of awkward. She might think that you don’t find her seaworthy, but the truth would be that you are all boated out. The other week I got one of those radar machines, for finding fish and treasure-- also referred to as "booty". It seems to work pretty well. I’ve already caught my limit! Hmmm,.. wait a minute. We’re not talking about boating, are we? Yeah, the weather here has been pretty good. Baseball,.. you don’t say? I have never been interested in organized sports, but that sounds interesting.
Dear Franklin,
Last week, I was complaining to my buddy about my girlfriend. She never puts out. He sold me this "shingle" or "roof" pill, and told me I would "get some" for sure. We went to the bar, and I put the pill in my drink. After a little while, I started dreaming about the velvety flesh of my third grade teacher. Next thing I knew, I woke up in the alley outside the bar. Do you think he ripped me off? Also, I was missing some teeth and a shoe when I woke up. And it hurts to sit down.
Wondering why the bartender keeps winking at me in Detroit,
Allen Marks
Dear Allen,
No.
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