YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY WON!

You may have already won over 25,000,000 choices! Imagine what you could do with complete freewill. Quit your job! Start all over in the Bahamas! Travel the world! That’s right, you may have already won! Just call the number below-- have your credit card and social security numbers handy-- and one of our friendly operators will tell you if you have won.
Just read this testament from last years winner:
"At first I was like, 'Woo-hoo! I finally won something!' But after traveling the East Coast for a few months during a particularly colorful autumn, I started to doubt myself. I became overwhelmed with the consequences of my choices. I didn’t think I would be able to find a job as fulfilling as the one I left. Soon, I was unable to get out of bed without wondering how preparing my coffee would affect me 50 years down the road. Eventually, I couldn’t get out of bed! I felt like I was imprisoned by my own freewill!"
- Arthur Samson
Alright! Maybe that wasn’t the best example. But we assure you that many of our winners have had better luck, like our 2001 winner, Luke Johnson!
"Winning freewill was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I started my own handmade umbrella company. It was something I had always wanted to do. Everything was perfect. Then I met this wonderful woman. But, for some reason, I couldn’t commit to her! I kept thinking that she only loved me for my umbrellas, and that if we wed, I would eventually find myself still in love with my umbrellas and a girl I dated a few years ago!"
- Luke Johnson
Okay,.. so maybe there are a few more ingrates today than there were when this contest started 2,000 years ago and the prize was only seven choices. But we are confident that you will appreciate our no-risk guarantee and our friendly technical support.
Just ask Technical Support Representative Michael Boor.
Oh,.. I guess he’s out to lunch. Well, hmmm,.. what’s next?
Why did I take this job anyway? All these damned exclamation points are really starting to sicken me! Why didn’t I keep with my painting? That made me happy, but I just couldn’t pay the bills. So I took this stupid ad copy job. You know, I couldn’t stay in that one-room apartment with Susan pregnant and everything. And now she took my little girl and went out west with that damned carpenter! Why am I still here?
Yes, that’s right. You too may have already won. Just pick up the phone and call,...