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22 December 2023
Damn. I was hoping Wayne would write some curt, funny, drunken intro for my column of rambling crap, Pure Lard. But he done told me to do it. So,.. uh,.. Pure Lard's been around since 1997. But now that it's in tastes like chicken, maybe people will read it. And, hopefully, make love to it!
I've been watching cartoons and paying attention to the animation industry for a while now. Long enough to know a little sumpin'-sumpin' about how these movies are made. Particularly, direct-to-video movies by a HUGE studio I won't name, for fear of mice. With this insight, I've decided to share with you my sure-fire formula for a direct-to-video animated sequel story-- as they're the only ones that make real money anymore-- for those of you who are curious or might want to get into the movie biz and/or have your soul crushed.
First things first: Forget about any of your "original" ideas. Tuck them away for your imaginary world; a world where you can make the movies you want to make. Creativity is not required. In fact, it's often frowned upon, as there are strict rules to follow for these quickie cash cows. And whether the executives think they know the rules or not, they will make damn sure you follow their cookie cutter formula to a "T".
First, take the lead characters who fell in love at the end of the classic movie you're bastardizing, be it a slumbering princess and her prince, the hottest chick ever and a charming guy in the woods, or a couple of dogs that've now had a kid. (Either that, or use younger versions of the classic's main character!) Now, this son/daughter/younger version of the classic's main character just doesn't get along with his/her (but we'll say "his") parents, because they pay attention to their other kids. That, or he's all cool and Gen-X, while his parents are all "square" or whatever. Look, I know most of these cartoons are fairy tales that take place in olden times, well-before the media even created Generation X-- like, ten years ago-- but anything newer that may have come since then would be confusing to executives and marketing.
Next, have the son/daughter/younger version of the original's lead character ride some primitive skateboard-like thing, or bungee jump, skydive, or whatever.
EXTREME!
The kid doesn't get along with, or is misunderstood by, his parents. So, naturally, he runs away. The parents are worried, so they go looking for him or whatever. Meanwhile, the kid meets someone older than him who seems cool at first, but ends up being a jerk, thereby showing our hero how NOT to be. Or he meets a wise, older character who, at first, wants the kid to leave him alone, but ends up teaching him a lesson. Like how he can be anything he wants if he just believes. Or he tells him that his family really loves him, or that life doesn't suck,.. you know, some "inspiring" bullshit. And the wise old guy should learn something about himself in the process. Icing on the cake.
During the runaway and bonding, you bet your ass you should include a MINIMUM of two musical montages:
MONTAGE #1
The classic film's lead character's "hip" son/younger version of the original's star is sad. He's just run away from home. He's wandering the land, unsure of his place in his family, nay, in the world. This is a good place for lots of drama without any annoying dialogue or real character development to get in the way. Let a shitty light rock ballad from a washed-up Seventies or Eighties pop star perform it for you. (NOTE: This used to mean that the characters would breakout into Broadway-esque tunes. But that's gone the way of craft and originality. Keep up.)
MONTAGE #2
After some tough times, our hero's either having rambunctious fun with the bad influence he'll later learn isn't right, or he's learning about himself and his fanciful world with help and advice from the wise old guy! And, better yet, they're bonding in a totally non-threatening (pedophilic) way! This calls for some quick cuts, zany falling down, laughing, and up-tempo, drum machined light rock! It's "fun"!
Then, either the parents find the kid, or the kid returns to the parents. Maybe he saves them or solves a problem or something. There's a "heartfelt" reunion. The kid isn't punished for running away and breaking his parents' hearts. Everyone learns a lesson. But again, I stress: there must be absolutely no ramifications to the kid running away. It was the only way possible for the kid to learn his place in the world, and everyone silently understands that.
Anyway, happy times. Roll really long credits with a song by your former light rock sensation playing in the background. Everybody's happy! Yay! The unnamed studio makes shit-tons of $$$, with a minimum of boring old creativity or spending much $$$!
VISIT D.J. AT PURELARD.NET.
I've been watching cartoons and paying attention to the animation industry for a while now. Long enough to know a little sumpin'-sumpin' about how these movies are made. Particularly, direct-to-video movies by a HUGE studio I won't name, for fear of mice. With this insight, I've decided to share with you my sure-fire formula for a direct-to-video animated sequel story-- as they're the only ones that make real money anymore-- for those of you who are curious or might want to get into the movie biz and/or have your soul crushed.
First things first: Forget about any of your "original" ideas. Tuck them away for your imaginary world; a world where you can make the movies you want to make. Creativity is not required. In fact, it's often frowned upon, as there are strict rules to follow for these quickie cash cows. And whether the executives think they know the rules or not, they will make damn sure you follow their cookie cutter formula to a "T".
First, take the lead characters who fell in love at the end of the classic movie you're bastardizing, be it a slumbering princess and her prince, the hottest chick ever and a charming guy in the woods, or a couple of dogs that've now had a kid. (Either that, or use younger versions of the classic's main character!) Now, this son/daughter/younger version of the classic's main character just doesn't get along with his/her (but we'll say "his") parents, because they pay attention to their other kids. That, or he's all cool and Gen-X, while his parents are all "square" or whatever. Look, I know most of these cartoons are fairy tales that take place in olden times, well-before the media even created Generation X-- like, ten years ago-- but anything newer that may have come since then would be confusing to executives and marketing.
Next, have the son/daughter/younger version of the original's lead character ride some primitive skateboard-like thing, or bungee jump, skydive, or whatever.
EXTREME!
The kid doesn't get along with, or is misunderstood by, his parents. So, naturally, he runs away. The parents are worried, so they go looking for him or whatever. Meanwhile, the kid meets someone older than him who seems cool at first, but ends up being a jerk, thereby showing our hero how NOT to be. Or he meets a wise, older character who, at first, wants the kid to leave him alone, but ends up teaching him a lesson. Like how he can be anything he wants if he just believes. Or he tells him that his family really loves him, or that life doesn't suck,.. you know, some "inspiring" bullshit. And the wise old guy should learn something about himself in the process. Icing on the cake.
During the runaway and bonding, you bet your ass you should include a MINIMUM of two musical montages:
MONTAGE #1
The classic film's lead character's "hip" son/younger version of the original's star is sad. He's just run away from home. He's wandering the land, unsure of his place in his family, nay, in the world. This is a good place for lots of drama without any annoying dialogue or real character development to get in the way. Let a shitty light rock ballad from a washed-up Seventies or Eighties pop star perform it for you. (NOTE: This used to mean that the characters would breakout into Broadway-esque tunes. But that's gone the way of craft and originality. Keep up.)
MONTAGE #2
After some tough times, our hero's either having rambunctious fun with the bad influence he'll later learn isn't right, or he's learning about himself and his fanciful world with help and advice from the wise old guy! And, better yet, they're bonding in a totally non-threatening (pedophilic) way! This calls for some quick cuts, zany falling down, laughing, and up-tempo, drum machined light rock! It's "fun"!
Then, either the parents find the kid, or the kid returns to the parents. Maybe he saves them or solves a problem or something. There's a "heartfelt" reunion. The kid isn't punished for running away and breaking his parents' hearts. Everyone learns a lesson. But again, I stress: there must be absolutely no ramifications to the kid running away. It was the only way possible for the kid to learn his place in the world, and everyone silently understands that.
Anyway, happy times. Roll really long credits with a song by your former light rock sensation playing in the background. Everybody's happy! Yay! The unnamed studio makes shit-tons of $$$, with a minimum of boring old creativity or spending much $$$!
VISIT D.J. AT PURELARD.NET.
artid
1519
Old Image
5_12_pitch.jpg
issue
vol 5 - issue 12 (aug 2003)
section
stories