IT'S PAT! THE SEQUEL.

While watching a story on Pat Robertson the other night, I was reminded of an old SNL sketch in the early Nineties called "It's Pat!" It starred Julia Sweeney as an androgynous character named Pat, who drove her friends and co-workers crazy, because they couldn't figure out her/his gender. Fortunately, (or not, depending on your fondness for androgynous sketch humor) no matter how many tricky questions they asked, our hero Pat defeated them every time.
As confused as I was over Pat's sexuality-- Male? Female? Shemale?-- I'm even more confused over Pat Robertson's supposed Christianity. Is he really a man of God, or a hate-mongering Nazi, gleefully awaiting the eternal damnation of everyone except Christians of his particular persuasion? And by that I mean rich, Southern, straight, and white.
Who the fuck does Pat Robertson think he is, calling on God to reshape the Supreme Court, just because he's afraid of gay people having consensual sex in the privacy of their own homes? I know that the Bible clearly says a man shall not lay with another man; but it doesn't say anything about bending each other over a chair.
Besides, why is it that Pat and his ilk only seem to be afraid of gay men having sex? Have you ever heard any of them say anything against some hot girl-on-girl action? Hell no. Because everyone knows that shit's tight! Which means one of two things: Either Pat's venomous homophobia stems from his repressed desire to play Mike Piazza to Jerry Falwell's Roger Clemens (that's a pitcher/catcher reference, to all you non-sports fans), or he wants to play Roger Clemens to Jerry Falwell's Mike Piazza. (Hey, you try figuring out which of those two would be the top.)
The thing that eludes Pat and his sheeple, though, is that God doesn't waste his time on shit like this; he's really more of a big picture kind of guy. Between creating all the known universes and keeping the Browns out of the Super Bowl, do you really think God's going to take time out from his busy schedule to keep Bob from sleeping with Joe? Fuck no. Take a number, Pat. In terms of what's really important on God's list, your request to "retire" a few Supreme Court justices falls somewhere between understanding Michael Savage's popularity and redesigning the duckbill platypus.
Then again, maybe Pat's God does take sides. After all, according to Pat, God allowed 9/11 to happen as some sort of divine punishment, because America has "insulted God at the highest level of our government. It is happening because God Almighty is lifting His protection from us. Once that protection is gone, we are vulnerable."
Hey, Pat, as far as I'm concerned, when it comes to vulnerability, you should be a lot more worried about God just throwing in the towel and giving this planet an Almighty enema, than whether grown adults are having consensual sex.
However, in the interest of being "Fair and Balanced" (If FOX News' latest tagline isn't an oxymoron of Biblical proportions, I don't know what is.), Pat does do a good bit of outreach work. His "Give me at least $20 a month and I'll give you a copy of my new book" program seems to be a huge hit with the trailer park set.
All of which brings me back to my original question: Is Pat a man of God, or just a psycho huckster scumbag? I guess the only thing I can say with any certainty is that he's definitely, beyond the shadow of a doubt, a 100% certifiable ass-clown.