admin
22 December 2023
There are a certain number of walls that I keep running into when it comes to loose affiliations that are often referred to as "committed relationships." I'm not speaking of my idiot boyfriend getting too rowdy and slamming my skull into the bedroom wall when he's "back there." I'm speaking of those topics only covered on such fine quality programs like Oprah.
Take, for example, the issue of immaturity.
The insatiable desire to hurt one's significant other when he/she falls asleep can offer thrills. Keep your relationship alive, I say! Is this the product of a deep-rooted psychological problem? Probably. But I think the real question is: "Why wouldn't I pull out one of your eyelashes and run away? What's the worst that could happen?"
Perhaps I should say the wrong name in bed, just because I can. I don't think it would ever happen on accident, but I think it'd be great to experiment. Call it an intense crash course in the study of human behavior.
Next, let's look at insecurity as a barrier blocking my path to true love.
Most women have the large and irritating problem of "Do I look fat?" You know what? The answer is almost always a resounding "Yes." The media has not warped your brain. You really should look like the models on TV. Having problems losing weight? Simple. Quit stuffing your face, and make sure you're on top next time. It counts as exercise, I promise.
Men, on the other hand, have to deal with the issue of being satisfactory between the sheets. As well they should. Most of you don't know how to touch my button, which seems unfair because I had to learn to give head and get rid of my gag reflex. This is exactly why I'm bisexual, and why every other woman should at least claim to be: It makes the man have to work harder, and learn how to make it stay strong for more than five minutes. If they can't cut it, we'll find a girl who not only knows how to dress, but also has a piece that never goes soft.
My personal favorite problem is that of who holds the remote.
Here are some good ground rules:
1. If it's your place, it's your remote. If it's mine, it's my remote. There are two exceptions to this. The first is that if we screw at your place and you're the only one to cross the finish line, I get dibs on the TV. The second is that if I just made you pay for dinner, a movie, or otherwise, you can watch what you like.
2. If we both live together: 1-2-3 shoot. (Paper/Rock/Scissors is the only fair way.)
I hope I have saved your relationship for all that it's worth. Following the release of this article, I'm probably single. So be sure to gimme yo digits.
Take, for example, the issue of immaturity.
The insatiable desire to hurt one's significant other when he/she falls asleep can offer thrills. Keep your relationship alive, I say! Is this the product of a deep-rooted psychological problem? Probably. But I think the real question is: "Why wouldn't I pull out one of your eyelashes and run away? What's the worst that could happen?"
Perhaps I should say the wrong name in bed, just because I can. I don't think it would ever happen on accident, but I think it'd be great to experiment. Call it an intense crash course in the study of human behavior.
Next, let's look at insecurity as a barrier blocking my path to true love.
Most women have the large and irritating problem of "Do I look fat?" You know what? The answer is almost always a resounding "Yes." The media has not warped your brain. You really should look like the models on TV. Having problems losing weight? Simple. Quit stuffing your face, and make sure you're on top next time. It counts as exercise, I promise.
Men, on the other hand, have to deal with the issue of being satisfactory between the sheets. As well they should. Most of you don't know how to touch my button, which seems unfair because I had to learn to give head and get rid of my gag reflex. This is exactly why I'm bisexual, and why every other woman should at least claim to be: It makes the man have to work harder, and learn how to make it stay strong for more than five minutes. If they can't cut it, we'll find a girl who not only knows how to dress, but also has a piece that never goes soft.
My personal favorite problem is that of who holds the remote.
Here are some good ground rules:
1. If it's your place, it's your remote. If it's mine, it's my remote. There are two exceptions to this. The first is that if we screw at your place and you're the only one to cross the finish line, I get dibs on the TV. The second is that if I just made you pay for dinner, a movie, or otherwise, you can watch what you like.
2. If we both live together: 1-2-3 shoot. (Paper/Rock/Scissors is the only fair way.)
I hope I have saved your relationship for all that it's worth. Following the release of this article, I'm probably single. So be sure to gimme yo digits.
artid
1521
Old Image
5_12_oprah.jpg
issue
vol 5 - issue 12 (aug 2003)
section
stories