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22 December 2023
Why buy food when you can waste your money on more shit to add to your already ridiculous collection of John Waters' films and The Smiths' singles?
Here are a few items that I think every God-fearing American should have for their very own. If you don't agree, I think you should be deported to Iceland, home of that crazy Bjork character.
1. Archers of Loaf - Icky Mettle
This is the first and most praised Archers of Loaf album, at least as far as popular "scenester" opinion goes,.. whatever that means. Nevertheless, they do have a point with this one; a raw, throaty blast of indie rock-- and by "indie" I don't mean that poppy nonsense that bands like the All-American Rejects have been churning out. There are a few quieter, more melodic tunes, but they still hold a gruffness that is refreshingly unpolished in a world full of over-produced albums. Another reason this album tops the list of shit you need is because it's out of print! That means when the remaining copies are sold, there will be no more. You'll have to resort to scavenging used CD stores, eBay, or Amazon, possibly paying some ridiculous amount of money! So what are you waiting for? U2 is never gonna make another good album, and you know the new Foo Fighters' CD will just disappoint you! Not to mention, do you want to be the only kid on your block without a copy of Icky Mettle? I should hope not! It's worth 15 "scenester" points,.. whatever those mean.
2. Peter Bagge - Hate
Okay, I'll give you guys five good reasons why you should pick up a trade paperback or two of Peter Bagge's Gen-X/slacker comic Hate.
Here goes:
1. Throughout the entire 30 issue series you meet more jerks, scumbags, and losers than you could ever meet-- even if you lived in Lancaster, Pennsylvania-- and you get to watch funny shit happen to them!
2. Tap them veins, roll up that dollar, and close the curtains, 'cause it's time for drugs, booze, and more drugs!
3. Sex! Made the way it was meant to look-- embarrassing and scary!
4. Death and violence! Made the way it was meant to look-- stupid and ignorant,.. and scary!
5. Subcultures, PC hysteria, and rednecks are all repeatedly made the butt of numerous jokes! Ha! Finally, a comic that gives it to those who deserve it!
Hey, it's all the things that made the Nineties so awkward and weird, finally accounted for in one neatly-made package; a definite "must have" for those who grew up or out in that era, because there's probably someone just like you portrayed. And, hey-- if you can't laugh at yourself, you probably suffer from constipation. But whether you resemble a character in it or not, it's still a damn good read.
The last item is one that I never thought could exist on the plane of reality we are on.
3. Leonard Nimoy - Two Sides of Leonard Nimoy
People talk about the good ol' days of the Fifties. But then came the drug-induced Sixties, and along with it also came 1968's Two Sides record from Leonard Nimoy. Yes, Spock released an album. All I could think was, "You mean that egomaniac Shatner wasn't the only one to do something so retarded?!?" This is the type of thing that would even scare Trekkies away. And if you think the fact that he cut a record is scary, try two! A year prior, he recorded an album called Mr. Spock's Music From Outer-Space! Any of these recordings are not recommended for anything more than comedic purposes, or to annoy people outta your house when it's gettin' late. At any rate, you can find overly-priced copies of Nimoy's recording career online. I don't suggest the investment. Then again, the true nuts who would desire such an item wouldn't listen anyway, because they're too busy waxing their genitalia with a floor buffer, or trying to trim their ears to points.
PURCHASE THIS OR SIMILAR ITEMS
Here are a few items that I think every God-fearing American should have for their very own. If you don't agree, I think you should be deported to Iceland, home of that crazy Bjork character.
1. Archers of Loaf - Icky Mettle
This is the first and most praised Archers of Loaf album, at least as far as popular "scenester" opinion goes,.. whatever that means. Nevertheless, they do have a point with this one; a raw, throaty blast of indie rock-- and by "indie" I don't mean that poppy nonsense that bands like the All-American Rejects have been churning out. There are a few quieter, more melodic tunes, but they still hold a gruffness that is refreshingly unpolished in a world full of over-produced albums. Another reason this album tops the list of shit you need is because it's out of print! That means when the remaining copies are sold, there will be no more. You'll have to resort to scavenging used CD stores, eBay, or Amazon, possibly paying some ridiculous amount of money! So what are you waiting for? U2 is never gonna make another good album, and you know the new Foo Fighters' CD will just disappoint you! Not to mention, do you want to be the only kid on your block without a copy of Icky Mettle? I should hope not! It's worth 15 "scenester" points,.. whatever those mean.
2. Peter Bagge - Hate
Okay, I'll give you guys five good reasons why you should pick up a trade paperback or two of Peter Bagge's Gen-X/slacker comic Hate.
Here goes:
1. Throughout the entire 30 issue series you meet more jerks, scumbags, and losers than you could ever meet-- even if you lived in Lancaster, Pennsylvania-- and you get to watch funny shit happen to them!
2. Tap them veins, roll up that dollar, and close the curtains, 'cause it's time for drugs, booze, and more drugs!
3. Sex! Made the way it was meant to look-- embarrassing and scary!
4. Death and violence! Made the way it was meant to look-- stupid and ignorant,.. and scary!
5. Subcultures, PC hysteria, and rednecks are all repeatedly made the butt of numerous jokes! Ha! Finally, a comic that gives it to those who deserve it!
Hey, it's all the things that made the Nineties so awkward and weird, finally accounted for in one neatly-made package; a definite "must have" for those who grew up or out in that era, because there's probably someone just like you portrayed. And, hey-- if you can't laugh at yourself, you probably suffer from constipation. But whether you resemble a character in it or not, it's still a damn good read.
The last item is one that I never thought could exist on the plane of reality we are on.
3. Leonard Nimoy - Two Sides of Leonard Nimoy
People talk about the good ol' days of the Fifties. But then came the drug-induced Sixties, and along with it also came 1968's Two Sides record from Leonard Nimoy. Yes, Spock released an album. All I could think was, "You mean that egomaniac Shatner wasn't the only one to do something so retarded?!?" This is the type of thing that would even scare Trekkies away. And if you think the fact that he cut a record is scary, try two! A year prior, he recorded an album called Mr. Spock's Music From Outer-Space! Any of these recordings are not recommended for anything more than comedic purposes, or to annoy people outta your house when it's gettin' late. At any rate, you can find overly-priced copies of Nimoy's recording career online. I don't suggest the investment. Then again, the true nuts who would desire such an item wouldn't listen anyway, because they're too busy waxing their genitalia with a floor buffer, or trying to trim their ears to points.
PURCHASE THIS OR SIMILAR ITEMS
artid
1542
Old Image
5_12_spock.jpg
issue
vol 5 - issue 12 (aug 2003)
section
entertainmental