PURE LARD: TV, MY LOVE

Damn. I was hoping Wayne would write some curt, funny, drunken intro for my column of rambling crap, Pure Lard. But he done told me to do it. So,.. uh,.. Pure Lard's been around since 1997. But now that it's in tastes like chicken, maybe people will read it. And, hopefully, make love to it!
Oh, I love TV. If it wasn't for TV I'd be forced to do things like,.. move,.. and,.. do,.. things, and,.. crap like that. Like, if there wasn't anything to watch on TV, I'd be severely lacking in entertainment, maybe even resorting to something completely ludicrous-- like going outside. And outside is freaking dirty! Do you know what's outside? Bugs and pollution and crime and allergens and and and the sun, with its crazy, cancerous UV rays and whatnot and what have you. Not for me, thank you very much.
TV also helps stop me from thinking all the damn time. Not like I'm some deep thinker. Don't get me wrong. It's just that my mind never stops with constant, annoying, trivial shit. A mile a minute my damn fool thinking,.. or, maybe more appropriately, neurotic fretting. You know, the little pointless things that drive me nuts, like why does my new car that I can't afford anymore get so many scratches on the paint? And why is it so hard for me to talk to the fetching young ladies in any way other than friendly goof-- if that-- even as I enter adulthood and should be over shit like that? Albeit better and more attractive and special, but still. And why is my right nut sore almost all the time? The doctor said everything was fine, and is probably tired of jostling my scrotum, perhaps thinking I've ulterior motives that I honestly do not have. But is he just saying that because he doesn't want to feel me up? Or or or. (sigh) TV enables me to shut all that down and empty my head.
TV teaches me how to behave. Sitcom characters have, over the years, perfected quips and one-liners to get out of "hairy" situations that I try to emulate when the occasion presents itself. Like, if someone's telling a story that's going on too long, I can go, "yadda yadda yadda" to get him to the point!
And with knowledge of TV and pop culture, I always have something to talk about on those occasions when I'm forced to interact with others. I could be sitting there with my family around the dinner table, no noise but the troubling chewing. Thanks to TV I can get a conversation rolling with something like, "Anyone see on E! News Live about how Britney Spears ain't a virgin anymore?" That'd really spark some lively back and forth. It's really quite a help.
And what friends I've made thanks to TV! Chandler, Monica, Ross, Joey. He's funny because he's dumb! All great friends, or should I say Friends. And what a terrific TV dad Cosby as Dr. Huxtable was, no? Wouldn't it be great if Dr. Huxtable was your dad? Sure would be. Except for the sweaters. Embarrassing.
I feel like I know these people as I sit on my couch and stare at them through my magical window into a better, more entertaining world. Who needs all the sloppy mess of "getting to know" people and "going out" or "talking", when I can just hit a button and spend a quality half-hour with Jerry and George? Or spend an hour getting into adventures with Buffy and her Scooby gang? It's easier, more fun-- just plain better! These characters and their lives have become a part of MY life! I know some of these TV creations better than my own brothers and sisters! It's much more convenient.
Thanks to my God-- I mean, TV-- I'm able to be,.. happy,.. on occasion. To relax and get caught up in stories and excitement that is so much better than the constant drudgery of "real life". Hmmm. "Real life". Why, I'd wager TV is more real and important than "real life". What makes it so "real"? No one's watching it. No one's taping it and keeping it for posterity. And Lord knows it's nowhere near as entertaining.
VISIT D.J. AT PURELARD.NET.