GOD FINALLY DAMNS IT!

RIVERTON, IL - During a heated battle to remove his keys from the front door of his home on Wednesday, local resident Douglas Krut, 43, was overheard by his neighbors muttering a string of profanities, including "shit", "fucking thing", and "Goddamnit".
In a rare instance of responding to requests, God damned the door, as well as the set of keys, to the Ninth Level of Hell until the end of time.
"I was running late for work and, wouldn’t you know it, the keys wouldn’t come out of the goddamn door," said Krut. "I’m swearing up a storm, and I shout, 'Goddamnit! Come on!' And that’s when it happened. The clouds parted to reveal a light brighter than a thousand suns. I heard a voice like thunder say, 'Well,.. okay. I’ve got a couple of minutes. But just this once.' And then a hand came down from on high and pointed at the door. There was this big flash of fire in front of me, and, next thing I know, the whole door was gone!"
The door has been damned to Cocytus, the Ninth Level of Hell and eternal prison of traitors to their kindred and lords. There, the door has been frozen in the Lake of Ice, doomed to spend all of eternity wailing of its betrayal to its master, all the while watching Satan gnaw upon the carcass of Judas Iscariot.
"I don’t normally do that," said God of the incident. "But Douglas certainly asks for damnation quite a bit. I thought it would be okay if I finally threw him a bone."
In a related story, area man Rupert Stimple-- after angrily screaming the phrase "fucking Christ"-- received a polite "no thank you" from the Son of Man.