ASEXUAL, BSEXUAL, CSEXUAL

As someone with their finger on the pulse of pop culture, I've noticed an interesting trend lately. Namely, the rise of the Metrosexual: a young, urban, supposedly straight man in total touch with his feminine side. A man who's not afraid to spend money on such non-masculine non-essentials as eyebrow plucking, back waxing, or mastering the art of quiche.
Need proof? Just turn on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy some night and watch as the Fab Five proceed to turn normal, red-blooded American males into preening, tweezing, waxing Nancy Boys.
This got me to thinking: If someone can make up a new name for these guys, why not make up a name for some of the other groups out there? After all, there are millions of people just waiting to be compartmentalized by someone with a laptop and too much time on their hands. In other words, me.
With that said, here are a few additional something-sexuals to be on the lookout for.
Afrosexual - A female Caucasian who will only have sex with African-American men, primarily because a Brotha's massive schlong is the only thing capable of filling their gaping vaginas. Ironically, their gaping vaginas are usually the result of being an Afrosexual. Or a sorority girl.
Autosexual - Spends so much time and money on his car, this loser can only afford the occasional blowjob from hookers he picks up while cruising. Of course, he only picks up hookers who swallow, so as not to spoil the interior of his ride.
Cardiosexual - A married, usually born-again Christian woman, who considers sex the equivalent of a gym membership: your husband paid for it, so you might as well use it every now and then.
Ethnosexual - Someone who will only have sex with people of other ethnicities. Usually, this is because sleeping with their parents has ruined the idea of having sex with a member of their own race.
Fabiosexual - Almost always a woman (and almost always a librarian), this loser clings to the fantasy that good sex should be like a romance novel: filled with fiery loins, heaving bosoms, and ripped corsets. Turned on by the smell of paperbacks; turned off, oddly enough, by the smell of Fabio.
Hypnosexual - How else do you think David Copperfield convinced Claudia Schiffer to have sex with him, let alone marry him?
Idahosexual - Usually a white supremacist, this person can, and does, prattle on and on about the erotic nature of the potato. And how much he hates "darkies".
Liposexual - A close relation to the Chubby Chaser, this person is turned on by the thought of what someone would look like after having the fat sucked out of them. If male, Carnie Wilson is their pin-up fantasy. If female, Al Roker.
Rectosexual - Straight people who are only interested in anal sex, usually with other people, but often with whatever inanimate object happens to be within easy reach. This group of people has a reputation for ending up in hospital emergency rooms after accidentally "falling" on large, pointy objects.
Retrosexual - This person is only turned on by having sex with really, really old people. See: Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Sockosexual - Every American male has been a Sockosexual at one point in their lives, filling their sock ala the scene in American Pie. However, a small subset-- made up of Star Wars, Star Trek, and D&D fans-- never seem to outgrow this phase. They also never leave home, forcing their mothers to confront the sock on a daily basis.
Videosexual - Has a cross-referenced video collection of their every sexual encounter, with special emphasis on their morning shower spank.
Volvosexual - Soccer mom whose secret fantasy involves their son's best friend(s), a cheerleading outfit, and a husband away on a weeklong business trip.
Of course, this list is by no means complete, so feel free to create your own and send them to wayne@tlchicken.com. The winner will receive a prize valued up to $2.50 worth of fried chicken.