EVERYTHING I EVER NEEDED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES.

TODAY'S LESSON: ALIENS
Although scientists search the heavens and the deepest seas for the answers to the unknowable truths, we find our answers late at night behind racks of Goobers and microwave popcorn.
1. Aliens try to disguise themselves as humans, but always have some strange little quirk that gives them away-- such as eating sticks of butter, or stealing Ferraris.
2. In alien language, "Is there anyone there?" directly translates to "Please shine a bright light in my face and then anally rape me."
3. Of all the different atmospheres, locations, and evolutions, aliens generally have two legs and two arms, just like us.
4. Although it may take them 20 years, aliens can turn guns into walkie-talkies.
5. Hunting aliens may make you governor of a state someday.
6. Alien veins are never filled with good stuff-- like Hi-C or Sunny D-– it’s acid, man!
7. If you try to go into hypersleep just after defeating the "last" alien on board a ship, you can bet your sweet bippy that you won’t be in the sequel.
8. A child who is having problems with his/her family will befriend the alien. They will become best friends,.. until the alien eats their face off.