UNDERWORLD

What we got with this Underworld flick is a ridiculously sexy vampire gal named Selena played by a ridiculously sexy British actress named Kate Beckinsale. Every time I started getting bored with the plot (so convoluted that more happened in the flashbacks than in the actual movie; one character actually has another character’s flashbacks), Kate Beckinsale would squat or something; her tight, vinyl-clad ass-cheeks shining like beacons of hope in the dark, dark night. I don’t know how practical hunting werewolves in shiny, skin-tight vinyl is, but I’m all for it. As long as the person looks like Ms. Beckinsale, and not, say, Debbie. (Shudder.)
The story? A bumbling mess with a few cool ideas. The action? Not as stylish as the filmmakers seemed to think. The Matrix with vampire and werewolves this is not. It’s not even The Matrix: Reloaded meets Teen Wolf, Too. But cancel all that. Who cares? KATE BECKINSALE IN SHINY, SKIN-TIGHT VINYL!
This movie’s in a special genre that I feel needs to be named and categorized: “Really, Really Hot Chicks Shooting Guns And Kicking Ass While Wearing Tight, Tight, Tight Outfits” genre. It's become pretty popular of late. And as much as I like Carrie Anne-Moss in them Matrix movies, she looks like a man compared to Kate Beckinsale.
I mean, I’ve always thought Kate Beckinsale was pretty. But all decked out in her goth-chic movie outfits with black hair and guns? Holy crap! If Jennifer Connelly is unable to fulfill her duties as the adolescent wishful thinking love of my life, Ms. Beckinsale could fill in nicely. Congrats, Kate. You’re my backup.
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