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22 December 2023
Two months ago, Sal Swayzo created this freaky image for a story that was pulled. (Yeah, we actually don't print everything.) Instead of tossing the pic, though, we decided to have 12 staff members write 12 different stories about the image for a 12 Days of Christmas type of thing. Dig,...
VINNIE-STYLE
Who put the "Christ" in Christmas? Well, that all goes back to who put the Christ in Mary! His name was God. He was an Almighty Dude, with powers unparalleled, but He was lonely in his cloud-carpeted kingdom. He needed a mate. Rather than suffer through the endless hell and torture that is the institution of marriage, He figured He'd just have a kid. So He needed a uterus.
"Gabe!" he yelled, calling for his favorite winged amigo. "Find me a lady to birth me a youngin!"
So Gabe did. Her name was Mary. Yes, she was married to a hardworking, loyal man named Joseph. And yes, he was out working a double, third shift no less, to support her lazy ass. But that didn't stop her from spreading wider than the plague and playing vaginal Gary Carter to God's penile Dwight Gooden. He filled her like a Cuban holding facility, and split before she could wake up in the morning.
That very morning, Joseph came home to a naked, pregnant Mary. She pulled some Jerry Springer shit, like, "I love you! I didn't mean it! I was lonely! He said He loved me!" She showed Joseph God's note, which He'd left on the pillow: "Thanks for the wonderful time. That baby's gonna be the Messiah. Don't lose it!"
Yadda yadda, journey into Bethlehem, yadda yadda, no beds available so they had to birth in a barn, yadda yadda, three kings of Orient be, and voila: Christ is born.
Unfortunately, Joseph hired a Mafia contractor named Big Tony Pazoli to take out this bastard son of his bitch. Also unfortunately, Big Tony was the worst hit-man in town, and rather than using spears or swords or fire to eliminate lil' Baby Jesus, he sent a maniacal, man-eating reindeer into the barn. Unfortunately again, the reindeer was blind, so he wound up impaling all but Mary and Jesus with his mighty antlers of death.
Joseph, totally bummed out, committed hari-kari. The reindeer wound up running off into the night, eventually being mistaken for Joan of Arc, and thus he was burned at the stake. And little bastard baby Jesus lived happily ever after.
Until he got nailed to a cross.
VINNIE-STYLE
Who put the "Christ" in Christmas? Well, that all goes back to who put the Christ in Mary! His name was God. He was an Almighty Dude, with powers unparalleled, but He was lonely in his cloud-carpeted kingdom. He needed a mate. Rather than suffer through the endless hell and torture that is the institution of marriage, He figured He'd just have a kid. So He needed a uterus.
"Gabe!" he yelled, calling for his favorite winged amigo. "Find me a lady to birth me a youngin!"
So Gabe did. Her name was Mary. Yes, she was married to a hardworking, loyal man named Joseph. And yes, he was out working a double, third shift no less, to support her lazy ass. But that didn't stop her from spreading wider than the plague and playing vaginal Gary Carter to God's penile Dwight Gooden. He filled her like a Cuban holding facility, and split before she could wake up in the morning.
That very morning, Joseph came home to a naked, pregnant Mary. She pulled some Jerry Springer shit, like, "I love you! I didn't mean it! I was lonely! He said He loved me!" She showed Joseph God's note, which He'd left on the pillow: "Thanks for the wonderful time. That baby's gonna be the Messiah. Don't lose it!"
Yadda yadda, journey into Bethlehem, yadda yadda, no beds available so they had to birth in a barn, yadda yadda, three kings of Orient be, and voila: Christ is born.
Unfortunately, Joseph hired a Mafia contractor named Big Tony Pazoli to take out this bastard son of his bitch. Also unfortunately, Big Tony was the worst hit-man in town, and rather than using spears or swords or fire to eliminate lil' Baby Jesus, he sent a maniacal, man-eating reindeer into the barn. Unfortunately again, the reindeer was blind, so he wound up impaling all but Mary and Jesus with his mighty antlers of death.
Joseph, totally bummed out, committed hari-kari. The reindeer wound up running off into the night, eventually being mistaken for Joan of Arc, and thus he was burned at the stake. And little bastard baby Jesus lived happily ever after.
Until he got nailed to a cross.
artid
1866
Old Image
6_4_reindeer.jpg
issue
vol 6 - issue 04 (dec 2003)
section
stories